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Now nobody allowed any oil in classic dad move

AS the world’s angry dad, the US has ruled that since Iran will not stop quarrelling and open the Strait of Hormuz now nobody can have any oil. 

Like a father unfamiliar with the nuances of the dispute but ‘sick to death’ of ‘bloody squabbling’, America has declared there will not be any oil for anyone and that is an end to the matter.

A spokesman said: “If you can’t peaceably share the oil between yourselves, then oil’s off. That’ll learn you for fighting.

“I don’t care that you ‘need it’ or ‘the global economy will collapse’. You should have thought of that before you all started fighting while I was trying to watch The Repair Shop. 

“No oil and that’s final and I don’t want to hear another word about it. You’ll have to find another way to provide power for your countries. And no messing with solar or offshore wind either, I’ve warned you about those. They’re dangerous. Never mind how.

“I heard that, and no I won’t ‘change my mind later’. It’s you saying ‘he’ll forget in a couple of weeks’ who’s wrong. In fact there’s extra no oil for you for saying that. I’m going to the shed.”

An OPEC spokesman said: “He’s incapable of admitting he’s wrong. So we’ll just start exporting oil anyway and he’ll pretend he doesn’t know.”

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How to win the pretty lady's heart by staring: A guide for creepy men

SHE is so lovely and she has captured your soul. But as you’ve never exchanged a single word, how to tell her? Would staring like a pervert do it? Let’s hope so: 

Show stamina

Ladies love two things – commitment and six-hour tantric sex sessions. Show her you stay the distance like Sting by maintaining fixed, prolonged eye contact. It’s sending a message that you can engage in unpleasant tasks like cunnilingus or marriage for long periods and will not blink in the face of fear or dry eyes. Watch her swoon!

Ignore everything she says

Unused to the new love soaring in her heart, afraid of being overwhelmed with euphoria, she may push it away with cruel words. Remarks like ‘Is that man staring at me?’ or ‘Why is his face twitching like that?’ or ‘Can we move tables?’ are only to test your devotion. Do not allow your eyes to flicker while she falls beneath their spell.

Never speak

Whenever you speak to women, you say the wrong thing. Apparently. They say so, anyway. So best to remain silent, mysterious and intense as if you were in a Bond film or a Netflix true crime documentary. Women love bad boys, like Heathcliff or a 46-year-old single man holding a carrier bag of his possessions at the bus stop.

And never smile

If you smile and she doesn’t return it? That’s awkward. Because then you can’t stop smiling and have to maintain a rictus grin and you begin to resemble the Joker, and not in a sexy way. Maintain an impassive expression open to interpretation. It will make her wonder what deep and meaningful thoughts you are having. She’ll soon just have to ask.

Move your stare with her

Show her that you would make such a dedicated partner that you go wherever she leads, like a tango. But only at a discreet distance of 30 feet or so, acting like it was where you were going anyway. If she phones a boyfriend who then holds you up against a wall, that is a sign that perhaps she’s not ready for the depth of your mutual passion. For now.

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