NSA admits it created internet so it could spy on it

THE US National Security Agency has revealed it created the internet after realising it would make spying a much easier job.

As everyone pretends to be shocked that the ultra-secretive arm of the world’s most powerful government has access to absolutely everything, the NSA confirmed that you only get to use the internet because it wants you to.

A spokesman said: “We used to have to sit in our cars outside people’s houses for hours on end, drinking coffee and eating sticky buns. There was lots of fiddling about with telephoto lenses and unwieldy tape recorders.

“Then we realised we could save a lot of time – and empty carbs – if we came up with a global telecommunications system that everyone would want to use.

“Massive, interconnected systems of this nature do tend to lend themselves to all-encompassing ‘Big Brother’ style surveillance. We were actually annoyed we didn’t think of it sooner.”

The spokesman added: “After we had invented it we knew that you lot would immediately fill it with your garbage and then spend all day gawping at it. We had you exactly where we wanted you.

“So, if you like, it’s not that we gained access to Google and Facebook’s systems, it’s that they gained access to ours.

“Anyway, now we don’t really need to do very much at all. We even invented a secret second internet to monitor the first internet. It sends us messages when it comes across something freaky.

“I work, like, three hours a day.”

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Holiday weather shrouded in lies and secrecy

HOLIDAY weather is the main source of dishonesty in the UK, say researchers.

The Institute for Studies found that people would rather admit to an affair with a close relative than confess a couple of wet days during their annual break.

Holidaymaker Wayne Hayes said: “The rain absolutely fucked down the whole time I was in New York so whenever anyone asks about it I just blabber about that crack whore I picked up in Central Park.

“We immersed ourselves in the city’s cultural and gastronomic delights but coming back without peeling shoulders feels somehow shameful.

“Everyone else seems to have sunny holidays and that bothers me even though it’s not like life is a relentless quest for petty one-upmanship.

“Actually, thinking about it, life is a relentless quest for petty one-upmanship.”

Travel agent Mary Fish said: “Snappy Snaps now offers a full ‘Weather Deceit’ package, digitally inserting sunshine into holiday pictures as well as photoshopping smiles onto scowling faces.

“And by next summer security scanners at UK airports will be fitted with high-intensity sunbed tubes to guarantee returning Britons the ideal ‘Tom Baker after a port and cheese bender’ skin tone.”