Our turn to be Europe's far-right bastards, say French

THE French have confirmed that, sick of being the victim, they are stepping up to be the continent’s premier xenophobic nationalists.

A commanding lead for Marine Le Pen’s National Rally party is only the beginning of a rising Gallic fascism movement their German neighbours do not feel they have the moral authority to stop.

Le Pen said: “Undoubtedly we’ve always known, as a nation, we were better than you. Now it’s time to enforce it.

“French fascism will be as superior as the maître d’ at Le Cinq, as cruel and unforgiving to the human body as a Givenchy couture collection, as disdainful of life as a New Wave film. You’ll hate it.

“Why should our country always be the battleground? Long, indefensible land borders with neighbouring countries are a two-way street. We will conquer you and overrun your pop charts with our state-subsidised pop music.

“Our stylish, sneering soldiers will overrun the continent before a year is out. Soon you will all know the genders of our nouns.”

German chancellor Olaf Scholz said: “We can’t really say anything, given you-know-who, and Spain’s worried they’ll bring up Franco. So it’s pretty much on Belgium.”

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Another six days before we know if Southgate is a national hero or useless twat

THERE is slightly less than a week to go until England can be certain whether Gareth Southgate is a national treasure or a disgrace.

Having narrowly scraped through against Slovakia, England now faces an agonising wait to determine whether manager Gareth Southgate should be pelted with even more beer cups or carried through the streets like the second coming of Christ.

Three Lions supporter Steve Malley said: “And there I was thinking he’s a stubborn shithead for keeping Cole Palmer on the bench for so long. Shows what I know. They should put his face on bank notes.

“Clearly he’s lulling the opposition into a false sense of security by telling Kane and the boys to play terribly until the last possible moment. It’s obviously all part of his genius scheming, and we are simply his ignorant pawns.

“I expect Southgate was laughing like a supervillain in the locker room at half-time. The groundwork of his master plan had been successfully laid, now all he had to do was make fans needlessly shit themselves during extra time.

“Of course if we lose to Switzerland then he’s been a clueless f**kwit all along and I’ll burn my waistcoat. 

“Either way I’ll claim to have been right about him the entire time.”