The womaniser's guide to post-coital etiquette

ARE you a man confused by how much time you should waste after sex cuddling? Chauvinist and self-appointed ‘God’s gift to women’ Wayne Hayes explains.

How long should I cuddle her after sex? 

If at all – and I never bother – then only as long as it takes to get your breath back. Which, if you’re a lean, mean lovin’ machine like me, is about ten seconds. Then go and get cleaned up. That willy isn’t going to wash itself, and you don’t even know her name, so there’s no telling where she’s been.

Should I kiss her afterwards? 

On no account. Women are clingy creatures that, given half a chance, will form awkward romantic bonds with you if you show them too much affection. Nobody wants a bunny boiler getting in the way of the next conquest. Keep the tongue tennis where it belongs, as the only necessary method of foreplay.

Is there any point asking ‘How was it for you?’ 

Why bother? Stallions between the sheets like me already know how good we were, and you’ll only get stupid responses like ‘I wish you’d lasted longer’ or ‘You didn’t make me come’ – like that’s even relevant. Let your cock do the talking – this isn’t a f**king job interview.

Should I stay the night? 

Only if you’re going to be up for round two as soon as you wake. Then the correct thing to do is fart, roll over and go straight to sleep so your scrotum has time to refill before Morning Glory time. If, like most shags, it’s a one-nighter, far better to bugger off post haste. You’d recorded Match of the Day, remember? And avoid the biggest mistake of taking them back to yours to bang them. They’ll be a bugger to get rid of, and it’ll be your bedsheets that’ll need putting on a hot wash the next day.

Should I get her number before leaving? 

It’s always a good idea to get their details down in the little black book. You never know when your shag bank might go overdrawn. See her as a ‘savings account’ you can dip back into – literally – when times are hard – though never as hard as my constantly throbbing manhood. And besides, it’ll help keep your shag tally up to date. You don’t want to quote under the odds when you’re bragging about how many women you’ve ‘plumbed’ to your mates down the pub.

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England capture national mood by doing bare f**king minimum

THE England team have shown they are a reflection of their country by doing piss all apart from for two minutes on the deadline.

The players represented the nation’s homeworkers by spending 90 minutes doing the equivalent of watching Netflix, scoring two goals in two minutes then settling back on the metaphorical sofa for a further half-hour.

Manager Gareth Southgate said: “We are about results barely achieved with the minimum possible effort. We are England.

“Just as the nation is suffering a productivity crisis with overpaid millions doing little, so we perform on the pitch. The plan was always to score in the 94th minute but Slovakia complicated that so we went into extra time, which we will be billing for.

“Nonetheless, two minutes of work over 120 minutes of football with the rest of the time spent pissing about fruitlessly is how our supporters, our backbone, spend their days.

“In the next match against Switzerland we plan to start strongly and almost immediately fade away, doing just enough to keep me from being fired. If we make the semis we’ll stay up too late the night before and possibly just about edge it, on balance.

“Can someone at home send us Kettle Chips? You can’t buy them out here.”