Palin 'hit with dishonesty bullets from .357 Magnum of unfairness'

SARAH Palin has hit out at her critics in the wake of the Tuscon shootings claiming they have fired at her ‘with a semi-automatic hunting rifle of injustice’.

Mrs Palin has been criticised by some US commentators for continually using gun imagery in a way that – as they have made perfectly clear – would not have directly influenced the Arizona murders, but were certainly not designed to make people like each other.

But in a video posted on her Facebook page, the unofficial leader of America’s Teapot movement hit back saying she had been ‘sprayed with dishonesty bullets fired from the liberal media’s .357  Magnum of unfairness and America-hating’.

She added: “I’ve spent the past few days reflecting on what happened and shooting my prayer shotgun at God and then waiting for him to return fire with exploding bullets of wisdom from his Heckler and Koch submachine gun of everlasting grace.

“I have listened, at first puzzled like a moose that’s been hit in the leg, then with concern, like a moose that’s been hit in the shoulder, and now with sadness, like a baby moose whose mother I’ve just shot.

“Acts of monstrous criminality stand on their own, like a brave American hunter on a lonely hillside, staring down the crosshairs of his beautifully polished Remington 750 Woodmaster as he waits patiently for something to kill.”

Getting weird, Mrs Palin then said the US media had also accused her of murdering Jesus and drinking the blood of Christian children.

She continued: “How could I have killed Jesus? I’m only 46 and Jesus was born in like 3000 BC or something. And everyone knows I only drink moose blood.”

Tom Logan, professor of politics at Reading University, said: “Mrs Palin has committed what is known as ‘blood idiocy’.

“She has become so utterly cretinous that she is like the early Christians who wound up inside some lions because of their unshakeable belief in something that didn’t exist.”

Meanwhile Mrs Palin has vowed to take the fight to her liberal opponents with a nationwide ‘Truth Tour’ where she will begin each event by firing 2000 rounds from a massive, belt-fed machine gun at a small piece of paper with the word ‘lies’ written on it.



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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I recently went out on a night out with
some of my work colleagues and indulged in one too many Bacardi
Breezers. One minute, I’m discussing the finer details of a mail
merge with one of the other secretaries, the next, I find myself
stripped to the waist on the banks of a river with £300 in cash and
no eyebrows. Worse still, Alan from HR keeps giving me really knowing
looks everytime I walk past his office, which might also explain how
I came into possession of a case of genital herpes. The thing is, I’d
hate to cut back on the booze too much because otherwise people might
start to realise I have nothing interesting to say. Any ideas?
Leamington Spa

Dear Marina,
I can totally sympathise with your
position. I suffered from an ‘episode’ recently at Sophie Gregory’s
party which I think had something to do with consuming eight fun size
mars bars, half a litre of Fanta and at least four substantial
handfuls of strawberry popping candy in under half an hour. I’d lost
interest in the rubbish clown man and raided the buffet until pass
the parcel kicked off. By that point, I was too far gone to realise I
was in real danger of making a huge spectacle of myself. Having lost
all inhibition, I got far too boisterous during musical chairs and
told Sophie’s mum she was a fat vagina for switching the music off
too soon, then threw a massive tantrum and pinned the tail on Debbie
Walker’s face rather than the donkey. Thankfully, soon after my mummy
came to pick me up, Oliver French fed the Gregory’s dog a whole
multipack of Wotsits and tried to make it have sex with Amanda
Sullivan’s back, so people soon forgot about my own embarrassing
performance. What you have to decide in these situations is whether
it is worth missing out on your party bag and balloon giraffe for the
sake of being the life and soul of the party, or whether it’s best to
keep a low profile and lay off the fruit pastilles while you’re at
Hope that helps!