Patronising English arseholes wondering why Scotland might want independence

ENGLISH people who keep taking the piss out of Scotland are also baffled as to why the country might want independence.

After Nicola Sturgeon made a renewed call for independence, English loudmouths responded with tired stereotypes and jokes about fried food.

Builder Norman Steele said: “I don’t get why Scotland wants to cut itself off when they can be ruled by a more advanced country where we’re not pissed all the time or eating bags of offal in a bothy.

“If it wasn’t for English subsidies they couldn’t afford all their heroin, deep-fried Mars bars and hospitals for when they have a heart attack. That’s sort of a joke but I also think it’s true.

“Did I mention bagpipes? And what about the Loch Ness monster, it’s just a log and they think it’s a dinosaur.”

Sales manager Nikki Hollis said: “A backward country like Scotland doesn’t have any industry, just some shacks in the highlands making whisky and souvenir golf accessories.

“They’ve got a pretend parliament but we’re in charge really, like when my toddler ‘helps’ me with the cooking and I just let her mess around with some gravy granules then throw it away.”

Scot Tom Logan said: “I used to be opposed to nationalism but after meeting enough English pricks I’ve started wearing a kilt, woad and a claymore, which is unusual for a GP.”

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Workers’ cafe has untouched copy of Guardian

A LOCAL cafe has a copy of today’s Guardian that will remain forever untouched by human hands.

The Big Bite cafe in Stepney, which mainly offers fried breakfast variants listed in numerical order, offers customers a selection of newspapers which are mostly crumpled and egg-stained from heavy usage.

Owner Roy Hobbs said: “I thought it’d be good to get the Guardian in for a bit of variety, but everyone just overlooks it like it’s got poison impregnated into the pages.

“A lot of my customers are in the building trade so maybe after a hard morning of carrying things up ladders you aren’t quite in the mood for a lengthy opinion piece about the gender politics of Pokemon Go.”

Plasterer Roy Hobbs said: “I just know instinctively that it is not for me, in the same way that my dog knows he should not eat cheese.

“If all the other papers are taken and there’s only the Guardian left, I will just look at the tablecloth.”