Plenty more doves where they came from, says Pope

THE Pope has reassured the public that doves are utterly dispensable.

After doves released from his balcony as a peace gesture were viciously attacked by seagulls, Pope Francis explained that the Vatican keeps a big crate of them for precisely that reason.

He said: “Doves get eaten all the time, it’s no biggie. We’ve got spares.

“Sometimes I fling a handful of them out of my window just to see what happens, they’re lucky if they last five minutes.

“Once I saw a raven pull off a dove’s head like it was a champagne cork.”

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Tony Blair just won't f*ck off

FORMER Prime Minister Tony Blair is stubbornly refusing to let Britain move on.

The grin-based organism has been asked to stop saying things in the press, which reminds Britain that it voted for him three times.

Teacher Emma Bradford said: “When Kim Kardashian came along, Paris Hilton had the self-awareness to recognise that her time as the world’s go-to media whore was over.

“If only Tony Blair had that much dignity and sense of the public mood.

“Look at Gordon Brown. Fucking awful prime minister, but as an ex he knows to keep his chin-jerking face out of sight until we’re ready to be nostalgic.”

90s PM John Major said: “After years of exile, I managed to make a little bit of a comeback by moving into comedy when I revealed my affair with Edwina Currie.

“Now I make a decent living DJing in provincial nightclubs, filling the cultural void left when Danny Dyer joined Eastenders.”