Pope attacks Queen with bottle

POPE Francis tried to bottle the Queen yesterday after a comment about Henry VIII sparked a fight.

Previous royal visits to the Vatican have been conducted on an ‘agree-to-differ’ basis, but the monarch was goaded when the Pope made an offhand comment about her vast wealth.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said: “One minute they were exchanging gifts and the next they were wrestling on the ground with Prince Philip holding back the cardinals telling them ‘they had to work this shit out’.

“Neither had time to take their rings off, so when they’d finished their faces looked like five pounds of raw mince.”

The Pope greeted the Queen by asking if she had enough money yet and the Queen replied that Henry VIII could have got ‘quickie divorce’ by bribing Pope Clement VII with a carriage full of altar boys.

After a brief silence the Pope broke the bottle of Balmoral whisky he had been given and lunged at her.

The spokesman added: “His holiness was pretty handy but he’s messing with somebody who once put Robert Mugabe in a choke hold.”


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Outrage as Cameron prefers to chat to people with whom he has something in common

DAVID Cameron has provoked fury after admitting he prefers chatting to people who are even vaguely like him.

The prime minister revealed he does most of his shopping at Waitrose because the customers are ‘more talkative’, even though it does tend to focus on precision-engineered sausages.

Labour immediately attacked Mr Cameron insisting he should shop in Asda or Tesco and pretend to like people who hate his guts and are never going to vote for him.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said:  “What Mr Cameron is really telling us is that when he goes to Waitrose he can understand what people are saying.

“Their diction is not littered with glottal stops and regional slang. And they talk about books and venison burgers instead of television programmes and crisps.”

Waitrose shopper Jane Thompson said: “I don’t remember John Prescott spending a huge amount of time in Waitrose. I’m pretty sure he preferred to buy his greasy, beige food in familiar surroundings.”

Asda shopper Martin Bishop added: “I don’t like talking to posh people because I think they’re pretentious arseholes. So I’d prefer it if they stayed in their own supermarkets.”

Mr Cameron said: “Why do I have to like everybody? Some of you are absolutely dreadful – and you know you are.

“Can I just go to the shops and chat to people without it becoming a big fucking deal? Jesus Christ.”