Pope Congratulated On Size Of His Balls

POPE Benedict was congratulated on the sheer heft and girth of his testicles last night after the former Hitler Youth member said atheists were Nazis and accused Richard Dawkins of plotting a new holocaust.

Looking as if he believed every word of it, the Pontiff claimed it was the Nazis’ atheism that drove them to kill millions and warned that the smart arse you argue with in the pub about religion will eventually gas you in a camp near Watford.

Ignoring his predecessor Pius XII’s indifference to the Final Solution, as well as the countless references to God and ‘divine providence’ in Mein Kampf and many of Hitler’s speeches, the Pope said Professor Dawkins was probably a gayboy as well.

He said: “The Nazis wanted to destroy all religions. That’s why they focused on killing Jews. And homosexuals and gypsies and intellectuals and communists and people who didn’t like Nazis. Thank Christ I wasn’t on that list.

“I would stress that there’s absolutely no need for anyone to go looking any of this up in books and such like. The great thing about my infallibility is that it means you have more time to spend on your hobbies.”

Tom Logan, who listened to the speech in Edinburgh, said: “Sweet baby Jesus, that man’s got the biggest fucking balls I’ve ever seen. He must use a pair of specially adapted braces to stop them bumping along the ground.

“Or maybe there’s a tiny priest under his dress whose job it is to hold the Pope’s massive nuts in a basket.”

Meanwhile Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, explained: “Not that it actually makes any difference, but of course Hitler believed in God – he just didn’t like organised religion. He wanted his ideology to be supreme just like – oh, I don’t know – every Pope since the fictional character of St Peter was invented sometime in the late first century.

“And obviously the holocaust would not have been possible unless the Nazis had been able to tap into the deep-seated Christian anti-semitism that had existed across Europe for centuries. You fat fucking sack of infallible monkey shit.”

But last night a Vatican spokesman insisted the Pope was ‘well aware of Nazi ideology’ mainly because he had earned the badge when he was 14.

The spokesman added: “He also had the Kristallnacht badge, the eugenics badge and even got extra credit for being able to draw a very amusing caricature of a predatory Jew.”

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Film Of Video Game To Be Adapted Into Video Game And Then Back Into Film

THE film of the console game Resident Sewage 43: Crapocalypse is to be adapted back into a console game and then back into a film and so on until the ending of the world, it has been confirmed.

The latest instalment of the multi-billion franchise, in which the world is saved from zombie doom by a model dressed like a fetish schoolgirl highwayman, will be the first to be endlessly transposed between game and film until it degenerates into just a single image of an exploding goat.

Producer, Wayne Hayes, said: “If you thought the film of the game was hot, wait til you check out the film of the game of the film of the game of the film of the game. Of the film.

“The only difference between the game of the film and the film of the game will be that the voices in the game of the film will be performed by actors who will work for cider.

“There are always going to be concerns that the quality of the franchise could deteriorate. But if you look up the words ‘quality’ and ‘deteriorate’ you’d realise that doesn’t make any sense.”

Sewage fan Roy Hobbs said: “I’m the sort of person who files
everything in two categories – ‘fuckin’ cool’ or ‘sucks’. After careful
consideration I have concluded that this will be fuckin’ cool.”

Hayes also revealed that the Resident Sewage team have used Twitter to find out what their fans want from the endless series of repackaged characters and plotlines.

 “The three most popular suggestions were ‘explode’, ‘tentacled things’ and ‘boobs’. This mean our customers are either morons or marketing geniuses. Or maybe I’m the moron. Who knows?

“Who cares?”