THE Pope was last night accused of using British taxpayers to protect himself from non-sexually transmitted bullets.
In advance of his arrival in the UK, Benedict XVI was told to either abstain from visiting, marry Britain and then engage in regular, unprotected visits, or visit the country using the rhythm method.
Family values campaigner, Helen Archer, said: “He is using the taxpayer like a massive latex sheath, protecting himself from gun-borne diseases of the head and chest, while at the same time filling it with his filthy muck.
“As St Paul said in his letter to the Romulans, ‘if thou art filled with desire unto another country then thou must first taketh it as thy spouse and servant under the eyes of the Lord and then visit unto it with all thy heart at least three times a week’.
“‘But if thou would place a barrier between thy spouse and thyself and the essence of thy visiting be cast aside, then the Lord will come unto thee with 40 days and nights of the bad voodoo’.
“‘And if thou art head of a multi-billion dollar organisation then hire your own bodyguards, you freeloading old bastard’.”
The Vatican said Pope Benedict would love to visit Britain without wearing a policeman as it would feel much better for both of us.
But a spokesman added: “He doesn’t want to die from a bit of casual visiting so if there is a simple method of protecting his health it would seem insane not to use it because of a work of fiction written during the Bronze Age.
“Is that so unreasonable?”