Pope 'Using UK Taxpayers Like Giant Condom'

THE Pope was last night accused of using British taxpayers to protect himself from non-sexually transmitted bullets.

In advance of his arrival in the UK, Benedict XVI was told to either abstain from visiting, marry Britain and then engage in regular, unprotected visits, or visit the country using the rhythm method.

Family values campaigner, Helen Archer, said: “He is using the taxpayer like a massive latex sheath, protecting himself from gun-borne diseases of the head and chest, while at the same time filling it with his filthy muck.

“As St Paul said in his letter to the Romulans, ‘if thou art filled with desire unto another country then thou must first taketh it as thy spouse and servant under the eyes of the Lord and then visit unto it with all thy heart at least three times a week’.

“‘But if thou would place a barrier between thy spouse and thyself and the essence of thy visiting be cast aside, then the Lord will come unto thee with 40 days and nights of the bad voodoo’.

“‘And if thou art head of a multi-billion dollar organisation then hire your own bodyguards, you freeloading old bastard’.”

The Vatican said Pope Benedict would love to visit Britain without wearing a policeman as it would feel much better for both of us.

But a spokesman added: “He doesn’t want to die from a bit of casual visiting so if there is a simple method of protecting his health it would seem insane not to use it because of a work of fiction written during the Bronze Age.

“Is that so unreasonable?”

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Rooney ends prostitute drought

MANCHESTER United fans were celebrating last night after Wayne Rooney ended a six year prostitute revelation drought.

The striker was back to his best after a series of spectacular £1200-a-night intercourse sessions with a money-grubbing tart who was obviously going to tell the News of the World the moment he crawled back into his childish car.

It is the England star’s first competitive sex scandal since pumping some fat old skank in the changing room of a Merseyside shell suit boutique in 2004.

Manager Sir Alex Ferguson said: “A lot of people will say that a player of Wayne’s extreme wealth and intense  stupidity should be bedding greasy whores week in-week out.

“I think even Wayne would accept that they have a point, but the fact that this lad was able to do it while his wife was pregnant is genuinely world class.”

Fabio Capello has also welcomed Rooney’s return to whore-mongering form.

The England manager said: “The low point was in South Africa, after the
Germany game, when Wayne attempted a reverse Dutch Steamboat with a
local hooker and ended up fracturing his wrist, losing the remote control and scaring the sweet bejesus out of Peter Crouch.

“For a player of his
abilities this was basic sex trade and I worried he’d have to hang up
his Travelodge loyalty card for good. But that one in the papers? I would beat you to death
with Clive Tyldesley’s just to watch her clean the bathroom.”

Adulterologist Dr Emma Bradford said it was still unclear how
Rooney’s wife Coleen would react but it would almost certainly involve a
shameless amount of money, the repeated use of the words ‘RAT’ and
‘TEARS’ in massive capital letters and then some more money.

She
added: “It’s such a tragedy because they have been together since Wayne
was thinking about having sex with prostitutes as a 14 year-old boy.

“But
unfortunately this is the guaranteed outcome when you hitch your wagon
to an arse-faced millionaire with the brain of a stuffed gibbon.”

Meanwhile some England fans stressed the exposé had once again forced them to imagine what Rooney’s orgasm face might look like.

Wayne
Hayes, from Hatfield, said: “I reckon it’s like an angry, sunburnt tortoise that’s just
stubbed its toe.”