Putin forced to hang out with spoddiest leader in world

VLADIMIR Putin is so unpopular he has been forced to pretend fat, spoiled nerd Kim Jong Un is his friend, it has emerged. 

Putin, who used to attend the G8 summits with cool world leaders like Obama and Blair, is now so shunned that he has no option but to invite the North Korean leader over to his house.

An aide said: “Jong Un’s personal hygiene is poor. All he wants to talk about is his train set. He shows you videos of when he had his uncle pulled apart by horses, while giggling.

“But there’s no-one else. Xi Jinping won’t be seen with him. The African countries all want a go on his oil reserves but call him a twat. It’s literally Jong Un or no-one.

“The first thing he makes you do is say he’s got a cool haircut. Then he tells you how many press-ups he did that morning, and the number’s usually ‘a million’, and makes you listen to a pop song he recorded yesterday ‘which is already People’s Republic number one!’

“Putin’s only meeting him for weapons, but Jong Un will be on about how he’s best friends with Michael Jordan, how he’s got the new Nintendo console that’s not even out yet and it’s mega, his father being a god, all that. It’s excruciating.

“At the end of it he’ll come back to Russia with a handful of ballistic missiles that aren’t anywhere near as good as they’re claimed to be. And take his humiliation out on Ukraine.”

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'Where the f**k is the toaster?': the seven stages of realising your flatmate's stolen half your stuff

ANY houseshare will one day experience a feeling of emptiness as they realise their departed flatmate has blatantly robbed them. These are the stages of your journey: 

One: Disbelief, or ‘Where the f**k is the toaster?’

It was there a second ago. ‘Did someone move the toaster?’ you message the flat chat, to be met with silence. You go back and check again, in case you managed to overlook an entire toaster.

Two: Denial, or ‘I know somebody won’t have taken the f**king toaster’

It would be impossible, because no one with a conscience could have run off with someone else’s toaster. It’s simply not something people do. Who would steal a toaster?

Three: Guilt, or ‘What the f**k did I do that made them take the toaster?’

Is this retribution? Karma? Revenge for a splash of stolen milk? Is this because you used their fancy new conditioner? Is the vanished toaster… justice?

Four: Anger and Bargaining, or ‘give me back the toaster and I won’t call the police’

No. It’s the fault of whoever nicked the toaster. You issue empty threats, and dream up wild schemes where you perform an elaborate Ocean’s Eleven heist on their new place, escaping with a toaster, Nutribullet and fridge-freezer.

Five: Depression, or ‘I f**king miss toast’

You loved that toaster. Actually you didn’t, it burnt everything on one side. But that’s not the point, it was your toaster and it shouldn’t be allowed to scorch anyone’s bread but yours.

Six: Reimagining, or ‘Maybe I can live without a toaster’

What does your life look like now? Emptier, for sure, and without that crispy golden crunch. Cereal seems alright – it will never replace toast, of course, but it’s okay to move on.

Seven: Acceptance, or ‘F**k it. I’m buying a new toaster’

You know they stole it, they know they stole it, and within less than 24 hours you’ve spent £27 at Argos on a new one. Which you’ll write your name on with a Sharpie because you can never bear to lose your toaster again.