Refugees asked to just hold on while we have this debate

REFUGEES from Syria have been asked to just drive their boats in a circle until Europe decides what to do with them.

More than three million people who have fled the war-torn country have been assured the debate will be fair, inclusive and probably work out in their favour if they just hold on where they are for a bit.

European Commission president Jean-Claude Juncker said: “We Western democracies hate to be rushed.

“There’s nothing more annoying than when you’re trying to set the terms of a debate, construct your arguments and so forth to have someone tugging your sleeve going ‘But my wife, my brother, my family.’

“Just find yourselves somewhere comfortable while we get this done and be patient. Now, whose turn is it to do biscuits?”

Refugees currently at or near national borders have been asked not to cross them, anyone swimming toward a foreign shore should tread water, and anyone who has jumped aboard a lorry or train should continually jump between lorries or trains travelling in opposite directions until notified otherwise.

Juncker added: “Maybe have a game of cards or something, it could be a while.”

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Christmas gift ideas for the twat in your life

GIFT suggestions for that hard-to-buy-for person you cannot abide.

Everyone has at least one twat they need to buy a Christmas present for. It could be a colleague, a distant relative or perhaps your spouse.

Twats have strange taste, are notoriously picky and will be quick to openly mock a ‘wrong’ gift. Here’s how to win their approval:

Professor Twatticus’s Grammar Rules for Cleverness Experts book

There is nothing a twat likes more than a grammar pedant book, especially if it is ‘written’ by a fictional Oxbridge tutor who (or should that be whom?) appears pictured on the back cover with a mortarboard and tiny, mean eyes. Find it in the ‘twat books’ section at Waterstone’s.

A bag of Ralph Lauren Polo badges to sew onto things

Your chosen twat can make everything ‘designer’ with a bagful of tiny horse logos to sew onto everything from cushions to pets.

Bottle of aftershave with picture of a boat on it

Contains real monkey sex hormones.

How to Get People to Do Things They Do Not Want to Do business book

For that post-Christmas lull, a host of bullying and mind control techniques from billionaires who have poisoned entire continents.

Sexy calendar with thingy off the dancing on the telly

Twelve big glossy pictures of ‘that blonde sort off the dancing who’s proper filth’.

The Death of Top Gear coffin-shaped DVD box set

They can watch the final sesries then bury it in the garden like a beloved pet, in a special ceremony vowing revenge on political correctness.