Rest of Europe wants referendum on Britain

THE 27 member states of the European Union have demanded a referendum on whether Britain is allowed to stay in.

Voters across the continent will be asked to choose whether Britain should have to follow the same rules everyone else does or can just fuck off.

So far the latter option, which would see multilingual FUCK OFF BRITAIN signs at every European border crossing and mandatory cavity searches, is polling at around 90 per cent.

An EU spokesman said: “All we ever bloody hear from the UK is that you don’t want legal highs, you won’t pay benefits, you don’t want human rights.

“What exactly does Britain bring to the EU anyway, apart from of course your wonderful financial centre that destroyed all our economies a few years ago?”

Jose Triano of Madrid said: “An entire area of Spain – we call it the Costa del Crime – is a no-go area for ordinary people because of aged Brits reminiscing about the Krays while sucking up our health service like Bermuda-shorted vampires.”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel said: “Despite our difficulties, Britain does have a very important role within the EU.

“It unites the rest of us in loathing.”

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Classical music renamed film music

ALL classical music including Beethoven, Bach, and Mozart is to be reclassified as film music.

Classical music, which is central to the Western tradition of art, has been judged ‘too boring’ for anyone to listen to unless they are watching Hollywood stars make out under a waterfall.

Musicologist Denys Finch Hatton said: “The only time anyone wants to hear this music is when they’re unsure who the baddie is in a fast-paced technothriller.

“If six hotties want to play violin in the background on an X-Factor ballad that’s fine, but if you’re getting a full orchestra together you’d better have a Hobbit film desperately in need of a score.

“You know who liked classical music? Hannibal Lecter. I rest my case.”

Classical music has also attracted criticism for being too long, not having any words and never featuring Sean Paul.

Pop blogger Susan Traherne said: “The use of the term classical is causing unnecessary confusion for those seeking out classic rock, classic hip-hop, or club classics.

“When I want to describe Will.I.Am’s new single as ‘classical’, by which I mean ‘like a classic’, why should 350 years of musical history stand in my way?”

Emma Bradford of Hythe agreed: “I always watch Last Night of the Proms – but for the mindless jingoism and xenophobic subtext. I don’t actually like all the instrument noise.”