'Rich bastards using tax havens' report also claims bears defecate in woods

A REPORT revealing the use of tax havens by rich people has also shed light on the woodland toilet habits of bears.

The Paradise Papers shockingly revealed that many very wealthy people, including royals and pop stars, are more concerned about having the maximum amount of money than the ethics behind complex and boring-sounding financial practises.

Report author Tom Logan said: “It’s almost as if someone said to these money-obsessed people ‘do you want more money or less money’ and they just said ‘more money’.

“Even the Queen, who you’d never guess was into amassing material wealth from the small, modest palace she lives in. It’s all a huge surprise.”

At the end of the report, Logan added the equally shocking revelation that if a bear needs to defecate it will tend to do so in woodland, possibly in some sort of clearing.

Logan said: “Also, the Earth is round and not totally flat like you previously thought.”

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Play ruined after cast repeatedly breaks into song for no reason

A PLAY has been ruined after the cast repeatedly broke into song, it has emerged.

Audience members where left baffled shortly into the performance after the cast members stopped talking to each other like normal human beings and began singing openly to those watching the show.

Theatregoer Tom Booker said: “One minute they were just acting and talking to each other and telling a really interesting story about an Austrian family resisting the Nazis just before the war.

“Then they just started singing to us like that was a totally normal thing to do. It just undermined the authenticity of it for me.

“I should ask for my money back. Or sing for my money back while dancing around like a fucking idiot and see how normal they think it is.”

Fellow audience member Emma Bradford said: “That was some weird, avant-garde shit.”