Russia turns down Crimea

CRIMEA’S application to join the Russian Federation has been refused because it is ‘cold and boring’.

Russian ministers admitted they would prefer to add somewhere tropical to the Federation, like Barbados or Fiji.

A Russian spokesman said: “We send in troops, make the people fly our flag, hold an at-gunpoint referendum that’s 97 per cent in favour and they think they’ve got their application locked up?

“Another snowy place full of heavy drinkers is not what we are looking for. Who’s going to apply next, Alaska?

“We were just playing with Crimea’s feelings because we like to feel desirable.”

The Federation says it welcomes applications from countries that can bring more of a party vibe, ideally those that hold big parades and don’t mind being ruthlessly stripped of their natural resources by unsmiling oligarchs.

A representative of the Crimean Parliament said: “This is like something an evil teenage girl would do to a slightly overweight classmate.

“Fuck Russia and the EU. We’re applying to join the USA.”

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Hull City to be renamed Hull Dildoes

HULL City owner Assem Allam plans a dildo-themed rebrand for the club, it has emerged.

After supporters rejected ‘Hull Tigers’ on the basis they aren’t an ice hockey team, the Hull Dildoes was suggested on the basis the fans can go fuck themselves.

Allam said: “The new crest will be three gleaming synthetic dongs pointing heavenwards, and our shirt sponsors will be Ann Summers.

“I previously suggested I would walk away from the club if they opposed the Tigers name change – they may wish I had when they see the new mascot, which is decidedly child unfriendly.”

Allam hopes to make Hull more marketable, removing ‘City’ from their name so the team currently lying 13th in the league with Tom Huddlestone in their side isn’t confused with title contenders Manchester City.

Supporters have opposed the move, arguing that a multimillionaire was not allowed to rename something they love just because he owns it.

Allam responded by renaming his family mansion ‘Dr Pisswicket’s House Of Pancakes’ and his Rolls Royce ‘The Egret Of Solitude’.

He said: “If this doesn’t work I’ll start renaming the staff and we’ll see how Steve Bruce likes being called SausageNose Titclister in meetings.”