Ryanair passenger hopeful he might get aggressively dragged off

A RYANAIR passenger has confirmed he would not mind being forcibly dragged off.

Wedged in a stained middle seat the size of a pizza box, Tom Booker has been idly fantasising about being forcibly removed from the plane and saved from a two-hour sweaty ordeal.

Booker said: “It’s only a boring work trip, and a couple of minutes of pain and humiliation are definitely better than being treated like a battery-farmed hen and trying to ignore my neighbour’s body odor while cabin crew try and make you buy a £30 cheese roll.

“At this stage I’d happily accept being dragged by my neck down the aisle rather than have to take this flight.

“I’d try and open the emergency exit and slide to freedom, but the cruel irony is I’m far too boxed in to get anywhere near it.”

Crew member Emma Bradford said: “Mr Booker tried to cause a disturbance by letting out a blood-curdling yell and banging his head repeatedly against the seat in front. 

“I don’t think he realises that we’re Ryanair, that’s just normal behaviour for us. When he manages to get out on the wing with a bottle of Smirnoff, then we’ll talk.”





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HMRC website either hacked by Russia or just really shit

THE government’s website for tax and benefits has either been hacked by Russia or is just a piece of shit.

Millions of Britons reported that the government website for filing tax returns and claiming Child Benefit seemed to have been taken over by someone who was trying to crush their morale.

Self-employed decorator Nikki Hollis said: “I believe KGB hackers have taken down the proper HMRC site and replaced it with something designed on the Russian equivalent of a ZX81.

“It took me two days to even login because I didn’t have all 20 necessary passwords and it wouldn’t email them to me. At one point I considered taking my own life.”

Builder Roy Hobbs said: “Putin must have gotten to the tax website because he’s hidden all the useful information, and replaced it with self-contradictory nonsense.

“The Russians know that we’ll be left with no choice but to phone the tax people, which takes about nine hours at a time and induces a deep sense of paranoia.

“Last time I was on hold with them I could definitely hear Putin sniggering in the background.”