Salmond accuses JK Rowling of sorcery

SCOTTISH National Party leader Alex Salmond has accused JK Rowling of casting demonic mind-spells.

As the Harry Potter author gave £1m to the pro-UK campaign, Salmond said she was a ‘voodoo wizard’ adding: “As we have long suspected, these books are based on a true story.”

Rowling hit back, saying that Salmond was minimising the risks of Scottish independence, while stressing that was a ‘fairly straightforward statement’ rather than a ‘wizardy incantation’.

But Salmond replied: “It is the spell of ‘reasonablacorum’. And did you notice that when she said it, she sounded a bit like a snake?”

Pro-independence campaigners backed Salmond, claiming that in her past evil lives Rowling was a slave who collaborated with the Confederacy and a Nazi spy who reported directly to Joseph Goebbels.

Martin Bishop, from Fife, said: “And now she slithers among us, with her darting tongue and massive, unpatriotic houses.

“I still like the films though.”


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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
If The Bangles were running late on a Monday, why didn’t they make the bed when they got home from work? You’ve not made your bed in three months and you’re unemployed.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
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Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
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Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Thursday you hear two blokes calling each other ‘bra’ and assume it’s because they’re a pair of tits.
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If your morning commuter train is anything to go by, there’s a new breakfast cereal on the market made of faeces and sadness.

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