‘Curvy’ now officially means ‘breasts’

ALL words relating to curves have been reclassified to exclusively refer to women’s breasts.

The mathematical model of a curve, used to refer to any line which is not straight, has been replaced by a model/actress in a low-cut dress.

A spokesman for the Oxford English Dictionary said: “We’re simply following popular usage.

“When I described the road to my house as curvy and the delivery driver said ‘I’m sorry, do you mean it has massive tits?’ I knew we’d crossed a threshold.

“It’s happened before: today, ‘assets’ once again refers to financial worth, but for the entire 1980s it meant tits. As did ‘charms’. As did ‘love missiles’.”

The change has caused chaos for economists, physicists, airline pilots and architects all of whom are being repeatedly reprimanded for constantly talking about breasts in the workplace.

Mid-market tabloid journalist Carolyn Ryan said: “I can literally redefine reality. If I start calling tits party balloons, a thousand children’s birthdays are suddenly uncomfortably sexual.

“Now I really must get back to work. Kim Kardashian has worn a dress.”

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One person in three on cusp of diabetes and eating Snickers

A THIRD of the UK on the edge of developing Type II diabetes just went ahead and got it.

Research found one in three people was at severe risk of contracting the life-threatening condition before they had a Maltesers Party Pouch for lunch and now it’s too late.

Dr Helen Archer said: “A full third of the population are in danger of joining the 3.2 million with diabetes. Actually, that’ll be two-fifths of the population and 4.8 million now because I’ve been here almost 20 minutes.

“Shockingly, even members of our own research team were in danger of – Dave, is that an empty box of Mr Kipling French Fancies on your desk?

“Dave, we’ve talked about this. Let me just check – yep, you’ve got it. Go and join the queue for insulin along with everyone else.”

Diabetes sufferers are advised to have a high-sugar food on hand at all times in case of blood sugar crashes as if they hadn’t all been wearing bandoliers stuffed with Boost bars for years.

Wayne Hayes of Sunderland said: “I started reading about it while I was eating my KFC Wicked Variety Bucket, and it was pretty scary stuff until I had to stop because my vision was too blurred.

“Pass a few of those Red Bulls over, would you? I seem to be having trouble moving.”