Six European characteristics to adopt before it's too late

WITH an election on the way and a Brexit deal secured, Remainers will have to work harder to maintain their continental savoir-faire. Try these methods: 

Grumpy disregard

Forget joie de vivre; being French is about shrugging your shoulders while fixing others with an indifferent glare, something British shopkeepers excel at. Throw in a ‘quelle domage’ and you’ve made your contempt properly foreign, panicking Brexiters who will readily believe it’s voodoo.


Nobody in the world is more lazy than the British, according to leading Tories. Drag out your lunchbreak to include a little sleep – easy to fit around your zero-hours contract – and suddenly you’re as easy-living and sexually lax as a Latin lover.

Living in the dark

The Swedes like long, cold, dark nights because it gives them a great excuse to neck aquavit and hold orgies. Master their resilience and when the post-Brexit powercuts come you can pretend you’re on a Scandi-noir adventure.

Erratic driving

The fearless Italian attitude towards motoring means you’ll no longer be afraid of a Brexit cliff-edge but will instead accelerate into it, trusting the Pope while watching Juve vs Lazio on your phone. You may be doomed but you’ll go out shouting ‘Goooolacciooooooo!’

Being sexy

Can be learned from any European country except Germany. Sorry Germany. Vital politically to understand why randy serial liar Boris is running the country, it’ll help you accept that nothing in this world really matters as long as attractive people are dancing for cash.

The luck of the Irish

Essentially means putting up with any hardship as long as there’s enough drink to go around. Hard to think of anything we’ll need more. At time of writing unclear whether such luck will be subject to border checks.

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Vegan carves apology into pumpkin

A COMMITTED vegan has carved a tearful sorry note into a pumpkin for what it has had to suffer. 

Joseph Turner began carving the pumpkin for Halloween before being overcome with remorse at mutilating a blameless squash for entertainment.

The apology, which is carved in cursive, said: “For too long now, mankind has indulged itself with an annual festival of senseless barbarity on the flesh of you and your brothers.

“I am sorry for all the harm I, and mankind, have caused to Mother Nature’s orange children. Cutting a vegetable should only be done respectfully, and with the intention of using it to nourish your body.

“In my defence Halloween is a difficult time for the vegan community because we are constantly reminded of man’s inhumanity to vegetable, and also because vegan sweets taste vile.”

The apology concluded with a vow never to do it again, before the apology pumpkin was placed outside the house where it will frighten young children away.