The guide to pretending you've got a f**king clue what's going to happen

NOBODY has a bloody clue what is going to happen in December’s election, and it’s pointless pretending otherwise. Here’s how you can: 

Focus on key marginals

Will Cheltenham fall to the Lib Dems? Will Chipping Barnet fall to Labour? Is it any of your f**king business what motivates voters hundreds of miles away dealing with all kinds of local issues you’re ignorant about? No, but it’s a great way of claiming to know more than everyone else.

The polls are wrong

The polls probably are wrong, but that doesn’t mean they’re wrong in the way you’d like them to be. They might be under-reporting overwhelming support for communist revolution from Hendon hedge fund owners for all you know. But this muddies the waters enough for you to make sweeping, inaccurate statements unchallenged.

Northern Ireland is crucial

Despite the last two years’ crash course in the DUP, nobody in the rest of Britain knows anything about Northern Irish politics. Ominous statements about ‘the mood in County Armagh’ are therefore the perfect way to shut all the other election experts up.

It’s all down to out-of-work 55-year-old white blokes in Stoke-on-Trent

Frame the entire election as an epic battle waged in the mind of a former steelworker who shops in Aldi, drinks six pints of heavy on a Friday night and watches Ice Road Truckers religiously. Then profess to have a special insight into such a man because your granddad grew up in Kidsgrove.

Hype up the Brexit party

In two decades in politics, Nigel Farage has never been elected as an MP. But sure, claim that this election is when the Brexit party will have their big breakthrough and win scores of seats across England. Why not claim Plaid Cymru are favourite to take Kensington and Chelsea, while you’re at it?

Predict a hung parliament

Boris Johnson could pull it off and become our legitimately elected prime minister for the next five years, but nobody wants to think about that. Predict a hungo and everyone will nod sagely at your wisdom, desperately hoping you’re correct.

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Johnson to campaign on leaving EU on October 31st no matter what

BORIS Johnson is to centre his election campaign around his do-or-die promise that Britain will leave the EU on October 31st this year. 

The prime minister will travel up and down the country swearing that if the country backs him in December he will take the UK out of Europe by the end of the previous October.

He told a cheering crowd in Kent: “No ifs. No buts. No mealy-mouthed excuses. If you vote for me then that date is set in stone.

“You’ve heard me say I’d rather be dead in a ditch than ask the EU for a Brexit extension. And you’ve seen me mocked for it by sneering Remainers.

“But I repeat to you now, the honest, trusting voters of Britain, that a vote for Johnson on December 12th is a vote to see in November 1st as a proud, independent country.

“Don’t believe the arrogant lies of Corbyn and his communist ilk, who would put a border down the Irish Sea. We leave on October 31st. You have my word.”

Roy Hobbs of Rawtenstall said: “Too late? Nah mate. That’s Project Fear.”