Subscribe

Six people who tough guy Trump will never dare confront

PRESIDENT Trump is unafraid of anyone and ready to pick fights with NATO, close allies and the Pope indiscriminately. But he won’t be challenging these:

Benjamin Netanyahu

Trump is, however haphazardly, attempting a ceasefire in the Middle East. Meanwhile the man who talked him into the war continues to bomb, invade and annex a neighbouring country and reserves the right to strike Iran if the whim takes him. From his Gaza real-estate partner and close buddy Trump? Not a word. Not that it’s Epstein-related.

Vladimir Putin

When the war against Iran was still raging, who was providing them with attack drones? Who helped them out with air defences? Who provided real-time information on the location of warships and aircraft? Who else but Iran’s ally Russia. Trump said nothing, though he may have called to commiserate over the loss of close mutual friend Viktor Orbán.

Xi Jinping

Iran’s Revolutionary Guard needs a spy satellite? Xi has one available, ideal for tracking movement of US ships and radar positions, Temu-priced. All Starmer did was refuse to send two broken-down aircraft carriers when the war was already over, according to Trump, but Xi provides a satellite and then ignores both blockades with impunity.

Rupert Murdoch

There has been one minor £10 billion suit against the Wall Street Journal, but that’s just Trump’s way of showing respect. To the owner of Fox News and commander of its horde of zombie Americans who could switch their allegiances with one week of propaganda, Trump never says a word. Not that it’s Epstein-related.

King Shark

Terrified of but erotically fixated on sharks, Trump has always known he will die in the jaws of their monarch. Dismissing claims he is ‘just a comics character’ because he’s seen the guy himself in films, the president leaves a bucket of chum outside the West Wing every night to satiate his nemesis. But cannot criticise him, for he is of the blood Royal.

Melania Trump

Terrified of but erotically fixated on sharks, Trump married Melania because of her black, soulless eyes and predatory instinct. Afraid to touch her lest he lose an arm, he doesn’t even mention her bizarre White House press conference about barely having met sex-trafficking paedophile Jeffrey Epstein. Not that it’s Epstein-related.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

All of pub quizmaster's questions about Gillian Anderson

A MAN hosting a pub quiz has, without warning, written questions only about Gillian Anderson. 

Attendees at the Prince of Wales in Ramsgate were expecting Roy Hobbs to include varied topics such as science, literature and sport, but he chose instead to focus exclusively on the life, works and shoe size of the star of The X-Files.

Trivia buff Norman Steele said: “There were a few hoots of laughter when we got to question four and it was still about her. And how were we supposed to know what she said was her favourite brand of lingerie in an interview in 2003? 

“By question 18 I was beginning to suspect this wasn’t a quiz so much as a Gillian Anderson appreciation society with a scoring system. The winner should get a restraining order.

“By the second round we’d covered her entire filmography, her childhood pets and what Roy insisted was widely believed to be her preferred flavour of crisp. I wrote ‘plain’ but he got angry and said I’d insulted an actress of her calibre. 

“The thing is, we’ve done Beatles nights and Harry Potter, so just Gillian Anderson isn’t impossible. But when Roy started asking about her role in a 1997 all-nude production of Hamlet that clearly existed only in his head I felt it was no longer a bona fide trivia quiz.

“He wouldn’t let us keep our team names either. We wanted to be ‘The No Hopers’, but he kept calling us ‘The No Hopers with Gillian Because She’s Out of Our League’. Which is too long to write on the paper.”

Hobbs said: “I did write a science question. It was what element Gilly would be on the periodic table. The answer was clearly ‘unobtainium’, so I don’t know why everyone struggled.”

Next story ›