Six reasons why you shouldn't take in a refugee that I was up all night thinking of

HATE the idea of foreigners being welcomed to the UK? And you’re not racist because you don’t care if they’re white? Norman Steel explains why you shouldn’t take Ukrainians in: 

They might be picky eaters

You’ve made your guests a lovely meal of chicken, chips and peas. Only the refugee kids doesn’t like peas and won’t touch it. Now you’ve got to get them a 13-inch Domino’s with all the toppings or you’re in breach of contract and you’ve got a criminal record. Doesn’t sound fair to me.

They’ll want to use your toilet

No one likes a stranger using their toilet, least of all a stranger from halfway around the world. What are you supposed to do, scrub the toilet every time Igor and Olga have been in there? Insist they only use the downstairs one? What if they need to go at night and you’ve set the alarm?

They’ll play folk music

All Eastern Europeans love folk music and never listen to anything else. If you want a balalaika twanging away at 1am when they invite their pals over for cossack dancing, that’s your lookout. I’ll stick with my compilations of war movie themes, thanks.

Think of the safety of your womenfolk

I’m not saying all Ukrainians are sex offenders, but it’s the luck of the draw. My wife would have to go her sister’s again, like when she caught me watching pay-per-view porn. Plus statistically one in 20 will be gay, and I don’t want to end up like that fella in The Shawshank Redemption.

It’s below the market rate

The government’s offering £350 a month. You could get double that for medical students. Stick in a mini-kitchen and a shower cubicle and you’ve got a studio flat worth £200k. So basically your Ukrainian is conning you out of a small fortune. This is why I’m not the sort of mug who gives to charity.

What about the pensioners? 

Someone who’s 105 with dementia, cataracts and a heart condition would be terrified by a noisy young refugee. In fact it could kill them. They’ll claim no-one’s suggesting this, but that’s what they said about seatbelts becoming compulsory.

It could affect your Netflix subscription

You’re only allowed to watch on two devices, so what if your refugee logs on too? That’s you stuck with bloody ITV all night while they hoover up Ozark like there’s no tomorrow. It just isn’t worth the risk.

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Couple affronted by idea of scheduling sex never f**k

A COUPLE who thinks scheduling lovemaking is shamefully bureaucratic never, ever have sex, it has emerged. 

Long-term partners Steve Malley and Joanna Kramer are appalled at the idea of setting dates for their intimate relations days or even weeks in advance, calling it unromantic and embarrassing.

Joanna explained, “Sex is a heat-of-the-moment thing. It’s not something you organise in advance based on when you’re both free and won’t be too knackered. I mean, where’s the romance in that?”

“I have mates that have nights set aside for it and, for me, that completely kills the spontaneity. I told Tom at the beginning of our relationship that we’d never become one of those couples.”

Steve said: “I would agree with that if we ever had impromptu sex, but we don’t.

“In the early days it seemed mad that we’d ever have to organise it because we were banging non-stop. But it’s been months, so saying ‘Let’s have sex next Tuesday evening’ now seems better to me than never doing it at all.

“But if I say that Joanna will be pissed off and we might have to have a talk about our relationship. So I’ll keep spontaneously wanking in the shower.”