YOU can’t make something great just by sticking the word ‘Great’ in front of it, Britain. For example:
Number six on TripAdvisor’s list of things to do in Great Yarmouth is to leave Great Yarmouth and visit Gorleston instead. Numbers seven and eight also advise leaving Great Yarmouth behind. Basically, if you find yourself in Great Yarmouth, Trip Advisor suggests that you leave it.
Catherine the Great
The Russian empress rose to power after she married her cousin then forced him to abdicate. She also relied on serfs, essentially slaves that come free with a farm, to keep the economy and there’s a rumour that she died while having sex with a horse called Dudley. None of which is great.
Great Uncle Bulgaria
The weakest of the Wombles, blind as a bat and walking with a stick, Great Uncle Bulgaria picked up no litter and preferred to sit on his arse reading the paper and ordering the younger Wombles about. Much like your dad when he’d send you down the corner shop to get 20 Benson and Hedges on a Sunday morning.
The Great Wall of China
Took 2,000 years to build just so Westerners could do charity walks along it, avoiding the bits that have fallen down. It’s a decent wall in fairness but can’t be seen from the Moon which is the only claim regularly made for it, so should be called the Fraudulent Wall.
Greater London v Greater Manchester
Two cities locked in an eternal struggle, both claiming they’re greater than the other. Is London greater, or is Manchester greater? London has better weather and museums, but Manchester’s not a living hell. But there’s a chance of bumping into Morrissey or Ian Brown in Manchester so London wins.
One of the few things that can truly be called great, apart from the littering, hooliganism, boozing culture, horrendously biased anti-democratic media, history of colonial oppression, Tommy Robinson, around 30 Danny Dyer films, and not winning a football tournament in 55 years. Apart from that Britain is so great.