Fantasy football and other reasons women will always be the superior gender

‘SHOULD I keep Sancho in my fantasy football team?’ is just one of the questions puzzling dumbshit men across Britain today. A few other reasons why they’re worse: 

Paintballing

Only men could be so desperate to fight in a war that they invent paintball, where you pay £130 to be shot. Running around breathless in scrubland off the M62 only to be cut down by three blokes with lives so empty they do this every weekend. That paint budget would’ve been better spent on a lovely Rectory Red Farrow & Ball undercoat for the living room.

Fantasy football

If a man is staring at his phone, chances are he’s making last minute tweaks to his fantasy football team. It’s been a stressful week spent chasing Liverpool fan tweets for updates on Andy Robertson’s ankle. Pathetically he spent longer coming up with his funny team name than he spent choosing his girlfriends’s last five birthday gifts, combined.

Stag dos

Hen dos aren’t much better but the attendees tend not to return home with broken collarbones, no eyebrows and an STI. Women get a bit drunk, cackle and fall out. Men try to chokeslam a waiter through a table outside a Croatian nightclub in a disagreement over a forty kuna tip.

Strip clubs

On paper men have this right. Naked ladies. Check. Access to booze. Check. But really this is an exercise in futility. Men paying £30 for two minutes of a woman they can’t touch gyrating in front of them, so drunk that the next day they can’t remember if she was a blonde or a brunette.

Gambling

No-one can piss money up the wall like a man chasing his gambling losses. Why else do men flock to casinos at the end of a night out? And they all come out mumbling that yeah, over the course of fur hours they just about broke even. Meanwhile the casino had yet another fantastic night.

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I'm a selfish idiot who got a lockdown pet: what the f**k do I do with it now?

ARE you a twat whose comforting lockdown animal companion is proving an inconvenience now life’s back to normal? Here’s how to get rid: 

Take it to be rehomed

A humiliating, reprehensible failure to live up to the promises you made to an innocent, trusting animal – unless you have no shame whatsoever, which appears to be true of many Britons happy to say ‘Yeah you look after it, I got bored.’ Makes you realise that if kind-hearted people ran toddler shelters they’d be oversubscribed too.

Give it to your mum

Parents can be relied on for childcare, so why not pet care? Mum may grow to love a annoying, yappy West Highland White terrier, or indeed a disturbingly large wolf-like creature that claimed to be a Russian hunting dog when you bought it on Gumtree. With luck your dad might not die fighting it off with a hoover.

Set it free in a lay-by

Rewilding is all the rage, so why not rewild your unwanted former best pal by the side of a B-road? Let them explore this thrilling new world of flytipped matresses, territorial foxes, and cars roaring past at 60mph. Warning: not really suitable for goldfish.

Sell it on

You’re not the only wilfully stupid short-term thinker in the world. Snap some alluring pictures of that monitor lizard you bought drunk and no longer want, put them online, charge a decent fee to make it seem like a hot item, and profit.

Wait it out until one of you dies

Pets have a shorter lifespan than humans, so crunch the numbers, shrug your shoulders and resign yourself to caring for a hamster for the next eighteen months, a budgie for the next six years, a dog for 12 years or a cat until it gets bored of you and wanders off. If you got a tortoise, start a family so there’s someone to care for it when you’ve gone.