Six twatty things Trump can do today before f**king off

DONALD Trump has just 24 hours left in office. What final anti-democratic asshole acts can he squeeze in before he finally departs?

Strip the White House

Like the tight bastard you bought your house from, Trump will pillage the White House for curtain rails, light bulbs and towels. Air Force One won’t be coming back from Florida and the Mar-a-Lago Resort will soon include Mount Rushmore.

A final bit of Hillary defamation

Time is short, but Trump will remain laser-focused on what really matters – personal attacks on Hillary Clinton. The last White House statment will announce ‘The Monster of Benghazi has blood on her hands. SINK the Ping Pong Pizza Epstein PedoSubmarine!’ A dignified departure.

Get a new Melania

Donald and Melania share no deep bond of love and trust. They do not enjoy hanging out together. Deeply in debt and the timer ticking, Trump needs a new robot girlfriend while he still has the kudos of being president. Foxy UKIP hottie Katie Hopkins will be up for it.

Top-deck the place

The Trumps are such petty-minded bastards they’ll spend their days crapping in every cistern in the Executive Residence, leaving their little presents for the Bidens.

Start a war

Trump has been spoiling for war with Iran since taking office, but if that’s too hard to get off the ground why not the Solomon Islands, Liberia or Puerto Rico? He could stand on the deck of an aircraft carrier with everyone saluting him. He’d like that.

Completely reverse the election result

With one day left, of course Trump believes he can overturn the election and win a second term as president. He’ll attempt to achieve this by his usual method, whining. Then he’ll leave the wheelie bins open so they fill with rainwater and Biden gets litres of bin juice on his suit when he tips them out.

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'Go to the factory and ask': a grandparent's guide to finding a job

UNEMPLOYED? Made the mistake of admitting this to your elderly relatives? Read grandparent Roy Hobbs’s guide to thriving in a depressed job market: 

Don’t bother with a CV

I left school at 16 with a reference letter. Never needed a CV, and most people running companies are my generation so they’ll agree completely. A smart suit, a tie and a firm handshake are worth far more than an accurate precis of your career and a ‘Linkedin endorsement’, whoever Link Edin is.

Go to the factory and ask

Don’t wait for jobs to be advertised. By that time they’ve already gone. Have you considered popping down to the tyre factory in town and asking if there’s any work going? It was closed and outsourced to Bangladesh in 1992 but you never know if you don’t try.

Tell everyone you know you’re looking for a job

Your grandparents will be doing this on your behalf like I do for mine, but it doesn’t hurt to spread the word. Tell everyone you meet — the GP’s receptionist, strangers at the bus stop, small children — that you’re out of work at the minute. Doris from the bingo’s son might be head of human resources at Google, you never know.

Get down the labour exchange

’Back in my day, I left a job I didn’t enjoy in the morning, went down to the labour exchange at lunch and started a new job by the afternoon.’ If this blatantly bullshit 1960s story doesn’t inspire you to queue up outside Job Centre Plus in the hopes of getting your benefits stopped for a zero-hours temp job, nothing will.

Offer to work for free

Getting your foot in the door is the most important thing. Worry about rent and food bills later. Don’t fuss about health and safety, you don’t want them thinking you’re soft. Get going on the welding equipment and if you don’t horribly maim yourself they might keep you on.