Are you thick or are the schools having a f**king laugh? Take our quiz

THE return of homeschooling has once again seen educated, high-earning professionals wondering if they are actually shit-thick. Take our quiz and find out: 

What is a fronted adverbial?

A) A sexually transmitted disease
B) Some bollocks in a sentence
C) A cocktail that stops you talking. I’ll go and check the liquor cabinet quickly and see if we’ve got the ingredients.

Jordan, Max, Sue and Sally buy 203 sweets. Max has three-twelfths of them. Jordan has two-sixths. Sue has one-third. What does Sally have? 

A) Morbid obesity
B) Some fraction shit that basically means ‘the rest of the sweets’
C) Sweets, there’s an idea. I think there’s still half a tub of Roses in the garage

What causes us to feel the force of gravity at the earth’s surface?

A) Magnetism. Sexual chemistry. The Force, from Star Wars?
B) Something to do with an apple falling off a tree onto Isaac Newton
C) Let me finish this Fronted Adverbial and I’ll come back to you. Mmm, moreish

What is a subordinating conjunction?

A) A slip-road off a motorway
B) Yet more bollocks in a sentence
C) You know who’s good at teaching? Alexa, probably. Alexa, take over. I’m f**king done.


Mostly As: Yes, you are thick. But this is the age of the thick, so expect to appear on Newsnight within the fortnight.

Mostly Bs: Good news, you have the IQ of a six-year-old. Watch back-to-back BBC Bitesize until March and you’ll be up to the intellectual standard of Year One.

Mostly Cs: The school is clearly having a laugh and sent out material from Oxford, Mensa and NASA’s internal training programme. So it’s not your fault. Have another Fronted Adverbial.

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Britain begins 500-year isolation from the rest of the world

THE UK has begun a period of isolation from the rest of the world that is expected to last until approximately the year 2621. 

Following the closing of travel corridors, the plague continuing to run rampant and mounting xenophobia, Britain will cut all communication with the outside world by the end of this week.

The government, keen to stop citizens dreaming of a better life, will assert that all other countries are naught but fables and ban any discussion of them, and the use of boats.

Historian Eleanor Shaw said: “Within weeks, urged on by our tabloid press, 90 per cent of Britons will deny they’ve ever been abroad and call anyone still saying they have an out-of-touch elitist.

“We will live behind our coastal walls for the next five centuries, becoming physically and intellectually stunted in our isolation just like we’ve always dreamed of.

“Eventually the Outsiders will make contact, just as we’re deciding on our new prime minister by means of ducking stool and lash, to inform us they’re departing the ruined earth and it’s all ours now.

“Finally the great Bregg Zit of fable will have come true and Britain will rule the whole world. Then we’ll be wiped out overnight by a new strain of Covid.”