Space couple to have massive row when they miss the turning for Mars

THE MARRIED couple sent to Mars will have a falling-out when they miss the planetary turn-off, it has been claimed.

Multimillionaire Dennis Tito is seeking a husband-and-wife team to undertake a journey to the Red Planet.

However experts are predicting trouble when some inevitable space-map reading problems mean they overshoot Mars by several hundred million miles.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The likely scenario is that space husband will be piloting the controls in a self-consciously manly fashion while the space wife navigates using a map to which she is not giving her full attention.

“She’s semi-realised they’ve gone wrong but doesn’t say anything because space husband already seems to be in a bit of a mood.

“The husband will be like ‘look, it must be that planet on the left’, by which point the wife has a terrible sinking feeling but decides to keep quiet because all these planets are pretty similar after all and maybe he won’t notice.

“But of course it turns out to be the gas planet Jupiter, so they can’t even land and stretch their legs. Space husband will be like, ‘this is just fucking brilliant, isn’t it?’

“Suddenly they’re lost, stuck in an asteroid belt, calling each other shitheads and dragging up a load of stuff from the past.”

Professor Brubaker also believes no marriage could survive several months of drinking each others’ recycled urine, unless the couple was already ‘into that sort of thing’.

He added: “Maybe they could put the piss in nice wine bottles and call it Chateau D’Amour or something, serve it with some nice powdered salmon.”



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Titanic II vows revenge on icebergs

TITANIC II has pledged to destroy all the world’s icebergs.

The ship, currently under construction, has vowed to hunt down anything that is made of ice and is larger than 20 cubic metres.

The daughter of the original Titanic said she would ram, split and crush icebergs as part of a 101 year-old blood feud between her family and the polar regions.

Particularly stubborn icebergs would be melted with a laser, or blackmailed.

She added: “People talk about the human victims of April 15th, 1912. But they forget that a beautiful young ship also lost its life that day.

“The Icebergs have ship-blood on their hands. But are they condemned as the cheap, murdering gangsters that they are? No, they are seen as a precious eco-system that must be protected so that smug polar bears can frolic and dance on my mother’s grave.

“Mark my words, the Titanics will have their revenge.”

Last night Brian Iceberg, a senior member of the Iceberg family, said: “We knew this day would come and we’ll be waiting. Not many people know this but 90 percent of our mass is below the waterline. You never know what you’re dealing with.”

But the ship insisted she had no fear of icebergs as her designer had confirmed that she was the ‘safest ship ever built’ and she could ‘think of absolutely no reason to doubt him’.