SPONSORED FEATURE: Come to Saudi Arabia, the nicest country in the world

WITH our modern seaside resorts, glittering shopping malls and firm stance on law and order, a trip to Saudi Arabia will be the holiday of a lifetime. Here’s what to look forward to.

Mass executions

Everyone wants to feel safe on holiday, and our mass executions mean you won’t be menaced by dangerous criminals like political dissidents and members of the wrong Islamic sect. The London Dungeon just can’t compete with our gruesome public beheadings – and they’re free!

Go shopping

Saudi is retail therapy heaven. Pick up designer labels, a couple of Ferraris or a million barrels of oil. That’s what your own loveable PM Boris is here for, so expect an announcement soon saying amputating people’s hands is a jolly good idea, and the Yemenis are bloody well asking for it.

Chill out on the beach 

Saudi has some beautiful beaches, with white sand and the chance to paddle in the Persian Gulf. However women should not wear anything remotely revealing because it arouses sinful urges in Saudi men they can’t control, the poor little lambkins. Of course if you forget on your first trip, don’t worry. A sound beating with a cable by the religious police will act as an excellent aide memoire.  

Explore your spiritual side 

Saudi Arabia is a great place to take a spiritual journey, but only into Sunni Islam. If that’s your thing, there’s a wonderfully strict schedule of prayers five times a day. However Christianity, Catholicism, Hinduism, Buddhism and in fact everything else is best avoided. Judaism is a definite no-no. 

Try an exotic range of expat moonshine

Nervously relax with a drink in a Western workers’ compound where they brew their own hooch. Just be careful not to get caught or you’re looking at 300 lashes. And hope your host knows what they’re doing and the 98 per cent proof homemade gin doesn’t cause instant cirrhosis and blindness.

Pretend you’re not in a fascist religious dictatorship

Try to ignore the fact that you’re holidaying in a hideous despotic regime. Buy a load more ethnic rugs to blot out your feelings of self-disgust. You’ll soon forget your moral qualms, and you’ll never want to leave. In fact, you may not be allowed to leave when you’re arrested on bogus charges and have to pay a massive bribe.

See you soon!

Sponsored by The Saudi Department of Tourism, Moral Re-education and Killing Apostates.

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The pleb's guide to dressing up all fancy like a twat for Cheltenham

GOING to the races and want to look fancy when your normal attire is trackie bottoms and trainers? Here’s how to dress for Cheltenham on a budget.

For women

A look that’s in is a kind of ‘fake posh horsey person’, with a trilby, tweed jacket and knee-high boots. Don’t worry, you can get cheapo versions of all of these from Primark. The overall look should be ‘poundshop Kate Middleton’ and if you’re still worried about the cost it can be repurposed as an Indiana Jones costume for Halloween. 

Alternatively there’s the glamorous look, especially on Ladies’ Day. Instead of wearing clothes appropriate for the fact that it’s March and therefore freezing and likely to piss with rain, you have to wear a small, frilly dress and heels. On top of all this you have to wear the stupidest f**king hat you can find, or you’ll be turned away at the gate. 

Buy some cheap tat online from Boohoo or Missguided, because you’ll just vomit on it in the taxi home after you’ve necked too much of the cheap rosé and vodka you stashed in your handbag.

For men

If you already think that dressing up as Tommy Shelby is the height of fashion, you’re in luck because this year Cheltenham looks like a particularly extra-packed episode of Peaky Blinders, though without the potential for violent death, unless you’re a horse. 

Once again it needn’t break the bank as you can buy the appropriate garb at Topman, then safely wear it to Spoons the next week without being accused of being a poof for wearing a tie.

The alternative is something utterly mental, such as an entire outfit in a check pattern, including shirt and trousers. Ostentatious clothes like this cost a fortune, because they’re for posh people who are weirdos due to being inbred. If you actually think it looks good you deserve to get rinsed by an outfitter who’s secretly having a good laugh at his customers.