NHS services are in turmoil due to the strike by resident doctors. So should you put extra pressure on the system by trying to see a medic, or can it wait? Consult our A-Z list.
Acne: Spots are often considered normal aged 14-19 and not a medical emergency. However if you’re a male teenager, losing your virginity is clearly a life-and-death situation that must be dealt with immediately. Call 999 to get some zit pills.
Constipation: Avoid seeing a doctor because they never say ‘shit’ due to dealing with easily-offended old people. The embarrassment of two grown adults discussing ‘poos’ will be more painful than your bunged-up arse.
Dengue fever: Feeling a bit hot? It’s definitely the deadly Dengue virus carried by mosquitos. Don’t let a doctor fob you off in the belief that you’re one of the ‘worried well’. Is he a specialist in tropical medicine? You thought not.
Headache: This is unlikely to be the result of alcohol or being very tired, and probably due to a brain tumour, meningitis or a parasite munching its way through your IQ. Get to A&E now.
Itchy, flaking scalp: Before demanding to see a consultant dermatologist, perhaps try Head & Shoulders? If someone says ‘I didn’t know you had dandruff!’, be sure to say ‘I don’t!’ like the smuggest wanker in history.
Jet lag: The ultimate self-indulgent ailment. The emergency doctor should give you sleeping tablets and/or pep pills immediately, and f**k those people over there who’ve been in a car crash.
Lycanthropy: Not the problem horror films would have you believe. A moon calendar costs £9.50 from Amazon. Just stay in on certain nights.
Micropenis: A terrible affliction, but is it an emergency? It definitely is if you’ve got another date tonight and things have been going well.
Nits: Contrary to popular belief, head lice are caused by being a dirty family with poor personal hygiene who never clean their house. You urgently need a doctor to tell you to pull your socks up.
Oppositional Defiant Disorder: Often affects the children of pushy middle-class parents and pain-in-the-arse chavs. Drag your obnoxious child to a hospital and insist on seeing a doctor NOW, strike or no bloody strike.
Piles: Unpleasant but not an emergency, so first treat at home with pile cream. Then overcome your embarrassment at suffering from this most mocked and hilarious of ailments and make a GP appointment. The comic strip ‘Nobby’s Piles’ in Viz doesn’t help.
Priapism: A constant erection can permanently damage your penis. If you’re a middle-aged man, do not delay treatment because it makes a nice change.
Rage virus: An urge to tear people to pieces could mean you’ve contracted the virus from the 28 Somethings Later films. Or you might just be at work. However it turns out the former is easy to treat with antipsychotics and opiates. It’s fortunate no one thought to do that in the first film.
Ruptured spleen: If you’re unable to see a doctor, ask your parents about your agonising abdominal pain. Judging by your childhood, they’ll tell you to try TCP.
Sniffle: Seek treatment immediately. May turn into full-blown man flu. At A&E you are entirely justified in demanding morphine for the pain.
Tonsil stones: Disturbing the first time you cough one up due to all the gagging but usually harmless. Best to stoically put up with it with a newfound respect for porn stars.
Wanker’s lurgy: Hand pain caused by excessive masturbation. Before burdening the NHS try cutting down on self-abuse by watching only the worst videos on Pornhub, eg. smoking porn, hentai, and spoofs with titles like Game of Boners.
White spots: Could just be blocked pores, but potentially fatal if you’re a goldfish. Check the room you’re in isn’t circular with a badly-proportioned shipwreck.
Zambian fever: Feeling a bit achy? Call 999. Your brain is about to bleed to death due to this disease that is ‘extremely fatal’, according to your reliable personal physician, Dr Google.
