Student claiming to have visited Greenland on his gap year

A 21-YEAR-OLD who has never mentioned it previously is suddenly saying he spent a month in Nuuk during his gap year. 

Jordan Gardner, studying PPE at King’s College London, has over the last few days begun talking about the ‘life-changing’ experience of staying with an Inuit family for a month in 2023 and the ‘appreciation of their rich culture’ it gave him.

He said: “Yeah, there’s all these people talking about Greenland but have they actually been there, like I have? I’ve never mentioned it before? I probably skipped over it.

“It was meant to be a stop-off on my flight to Paraguay but when my luggage was lost a family took me in, and the month I spent in their simple wooden hut has resonated with me ever since. Their warmth, their emphasis on family, their diet of smoked fish.

“I earned my keep by cutting blocks of ice and transporting it on dogsled, their trade since time immemorial. It also happens at the beginning of Frozen? I wouldn’t know, I eschew Western cinema.

“The patriarch gave me a seal fur and told me I would always be his irniq, or ‘son’. So I understand Greenland better than anyone and might fight for them, if I’m not more useful co-ordinating the resistance via my podcast.”

He added: “That’s where I got this iron arrowhead I wear around my neck always. I told you it was my ayahuasca retreat in Colombia? That was a different arrowhead.”

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Starmer: 'I had a robust and productive butt dial with President Trump'

THE prime minister has confirmed that President Trump accidentally called him over the weekend for a tough discussion about US-UK relations. 

Speaking from the Downing Street press briefing room, Keir Starmer shared that he engaged in difficult but constructive talks with the commander-in-chief’s rear end as it pressed against his phone and made muffled noises.

Starmer said: “I told President Trump in no uncertain terms that his tariff threats were completely wrong. And if my voice wasn’t vibrating weakly only into his fleshy white buttocks, I think it would have given him pause for thought.

“Our conversation was short, and I did the bulk of the talking for once. I reminded the President that Greenland’s fate lies with its people and the Kingdom of Denmark alone. Insofar as a burst of flatulence can be considered agreement, he agreed with me.

“At one point I thought he was concurring with my concern for ordinary working people, who will be the worst affected by tariffs. In hindsight I believe he had followed through.”

Political pundit Martin Bishop said: “Opponents mocking Starmer should recognise that it is provably as effective talking to Trump’s arse as to his face.

“This was our prime minister’s ‘peace in our time’ moment. Expect to be packed off to Nuuk with a rifle come June.”