Thank you for the lovely coup, army tells Egypt

THE Egyptian army last night thanked demonstrators in Cairo for their military coup, adding that it was a very nice one.

An emotional Suleiman said he was the luckiest general in the whole wide world

President Omar Suleiman, whose real first name turns out to  be ‘General’, said the coup was very thoughtful of the Egyptian people, particularly as it came with lots of lovely press coverage.

He added: “Usually in these situations the army has to storm the presidential palace and the TV station and set up a cordon around the airport. It’s a lot of fucking hassle.

“There’s some very nasty shouting and a load soldiers getting all scared.

“And as all that’s going on you’ve got these arsehole foreign governments phoning you up giving you an earful while John Simpson stands outside your new house in a flak jacket telling everyone you’re a prick.

“It’s the sort of thing a soldier who wants total power could really do without. But the thing is you knew that, and that’s why you’re the best population a general could hope for.”

Suleiman said he would be able to use his coup for all kinds of things including dissolving parliament and suspending the constitution as well as making lovely light sponge cakes and perfect meringues.

The general added: “Like all military coups this is a temporary one. Though to be on the safe side it would be useful if you familiarise yourselves with the term ‘ish’.

“As in ‘we will move towards democracy-ish but will have to maintain a state of emergency-ish, but it will only be for six months.