The Brits’ guide to explaining he’s not your fault, by an American

by Thomas J. Logan III

HEY limeys. Going on vacation? Not looking forward to the gape-mouthed looks from continentals when you admit your nationality? Yeah, I know that feeling. 

Here’s how to tell sophisticated Europeans that you didn’t vote for the leader of your country, you don’t understand who did and you’re sorry, from a guy who’s been doing it for years.

Go over how democracy works

Patiently explain that while Donald Trump or your Anglicized version Donalde Troump may have won, that does not mean all citizens or indeed most voted for him. Or in your case less than one per cent. Actually I don’t understand that. I think you fucked that up.

Get technical

If they’re so interested in your politics, go into detail. Explain how the electoral college or the first-past-the-post system works. Get granular on the Queen’s role as a constitutional monarch. Watch them glaze over and f**k off.

Demonstrate how much you hate him

Before the French or the Greeks or the goddamn Germans start ranting about how much you loathe your Johnson guy, do it yourself. Go into detail about every night you dream of choking him with your own bare hands and wake up naked in the street. That should shut them up.

Pretend you’re into him

Counterintuitive but I promise it works; when they ask ‘What do you think of Boris/Trump?’ lean in. Rave about how great he is. Claim he’s the leader your country has been yearning for. Promise that soon you will rule the entire world. Trust me, they’ll back off.

Pretend you’re Canadian

Everybody loves the fucking Canadians, they think they’re so great. But if you can’t master their accent you can probably pull off Dutch or Irish, then you can join in the 45 minutes’ bitching about what assh*les the Brits are.