The foreigner's guide to what the f**k has happened to Britain

FOREIGN? Then you’re probably wondering why the mother of parliaments is collapsing like an Albanian pyramid scheme. We try to explain:  

Who is leader of the UK?

In theory, it’s Boris Johnson, who you can tell apart from other politicians because he looks like a child transforming into his evil self in front of a funhouse mirror. In practice, it appears to be Dominic Cummings, a shadowy political strategist hoping to play Jafar in a regional tour of Aladdin. 

Who is the opposition?

Technically it’s Jeremy Corbyn, but he is so far below anyone’s radar that many think him just an unsettling dream. In opposition to the Conservative Party are the slightly less mad bits of the Conservative party. Eastern Europeans from one-party states may remember the kind of thing.

Is there going to be an election?

As things stand British politics is so flamboyantly corrupt it is almost Italian, and Britons wouldn’t be surprised if Boris Johnson turned Westminster into his own personal Bunga-Bunga palace for a Channel 5 reality series. But probably.

Are you ever going to do Brexit?

It is beginning to feel like Brexit cannot be done. But they said that about colonising Mars, which also cannot be done.

Should I be glad I don’t live there?


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The opium kicked in, Rees-Mogg admits

JACOB Rees-Mogg has admitted that he only lay down on a Commons front bench because the opium had seriously hit. 

The Leader of the Commons apologised to fellow Tories for sprawling on a bench, slipping out of consciousness and vomiting into a sterling silver bucket during a crucial vote, confessing that he had packed his pipe too tightly.

He continued: “I’d taken a tincture of pharmaceutical cocaine before my speech, to give me the eloquence of Cicero, so I prepared a pipe of the poppy to calm my spirits afterwards.

“Unfortunately the sly Chinaman who brings my medicine up the Thames by junk failed to warn me of its unusual strength, and I found myself quite overcome.

“As a gentleman does I reclined and allowed the terrible visions – snakes, sodomites, a Conservative MP crossing the floor entirely because of me – to writhe and twist before my repose.

“I am now perfectly recovered. Tell me, how did last night’s vote transpire? I trust my dark imagining of a loss by 27 votes was naught but an opium dream?”