The Mash guide to the lying bastards in the Trump administration

THEY’RE lying, they’re bad at it and one in three of them will serve prison time. But who are the people spinning the Trump administration’s web of fiction? 

Donald Trump Jr. Primarily used as a bank of spare organs for his clonefather, Trump Jr met Russians who told him they could illegally influence the US election and believes that to be fine. Named ‘Most Likely To Be Assassinated’ in his high school yearbook.

Jared Kushner. Husband of Ivanka Trump, who the president takes full credit for, this New Yorker has lied to all the key figures in the course of passing on messages he did not understand and will soon be charged with perjury. Expected to serve six life sentences as official scapegoat.

Steve Bannon. Right-wing news editor not directly related to Trump but secure in his position as a fellow bloated sack of shit. Would glady see US overrun by Russia like in Red Dawn if it meant college girls stopped having blue hair.

Paul Manafort. Lawyer and Trump campaign consultant, has essentially been honest apart from failure to reveal he is a disguised Vladimir Putin.

James Comey. Former FBI director fired by Trump for investigating Trump, as simultaneously denied and admitted by Trump. Now roams the US, armed with nothing but a katana and six terabytes of compromising material on a hard drive, righting wrongs as a masterless ronin.

Ivanka Trump. Fairest in all the land, Ivanka claimed her attractive stepdaughter had been killed by animals in the woods but actually she lives. Also is in no way a fashion designer.

Donald Trump. From a psychological standpoint unable to lie because he believes every word he utters is holy truth, Trump has openly colluded with Russia and is incapable of covering it up. Will get away scot-free and appear on chatshows.

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Woman choosing personal, meaningful tattoo from tattooists’ wall

A WOMAN is choosing a tattoo design that is deeply meaningful on a personal level from the ones pinned up on the wall of the tattooists.

Emma Bradford, aged 22, would prefer to work closely with an artist to come up with a unique design but flies to Ibiza in less than a fortnight so just does not have time.

She said: “What I’ll do is get the tattoo first and work my life around it.

“It’s very important that people look at me as someone who has a tattoo, but I don’t want just a butterfly or a star. I’ve got depths.

“Ideally it’d be something that evokes the spirit of my ancestors, like a Maori sleeve, except my grandparents are from Basingstoke.

“Maybe I’m going around this backwards. I mean if I get a Metallica tattoo, that’ll really incentivise me to get into them.”

Tattoo artist Wayne Hayes said: “After five minutes conversation, we’ve decided the design that really sums Emma up is this one.

“It’s called ‘Unknown squiggles – probably Arabic’.”