Brexiter can’t wait to queue for four hours with proper British passport


A BREXIT voter has announced that the day he can queue for four hours while clutching a proper British passport will be proudest moment of his life.

Martin Bishop, from Doncaster, said queuing in an airport for half a day was ‘fantastically British’ but it had been ‘stolen from decent people by the gay, purple EU passport and the so called freedom it represents’.

He added “The longer I can queue the better. I want to savour the experience. I’ll be standing in the airport with thousands of other proud Britons, our identity fully restored by that little blue thing of wonder.

“Instead of gliding through a passport check thanks to some purple abomination, I can wait patiently just to be able to hand over the greatest passport in the world to some greasy foreigner. I will look him in the eye and say ‘You’ll have to do better than that, Francois.

“It will be a festival of Britishness, especially if a massive fight breaks out.”

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Best part of holiday is looking in estate agents’ windows

UK holidaymakers have confirmed that looking in estate agents’ windows to see what they could afford in the area is the highlight of every trip. 

From Cornwall to the Isle of Lewis, Britons are pausing for up to 20 minutes at a time to price up property they would never actually buy.

Nikki Hollis, holidaying on the Yorkshire coast, said: “Not cheap around here. £280k for a two-bed bungalow that needs work. Still I bet the schools are good.

“A lot more affordable than bloody Cornwall last year. Three hundred and fifty grand for a two-bed terrace with ‘sea glimpses’. We talked about that all day and eventually the kids joined in. It was much better than going to the beach.

“Ah, that year we went to Shropshire? Fantastic fortnight.  In Oswestry you’re getting three beds for under two hundred. Shame the area was so shit.”

Julian Cook, holidaying in Wales, said: “It’s different for us. Being from London, we could easily turn our two-bed flat over a chip shop into a palatial coastal property.

“But we can’t because of our idiotic metropolitan jobs and pathetic urban lifestyle.”