Sunday, 27th September 2020

The optimist's guide to the current news shitstorm

COVID’S back, Brexit is reaching unprecedented levels of hardness, and Trump is planning another eight years. Try to look on the bright side: 

America’s west coast is on fire

The Instagram pictures of orange skies are awfully pretty, and perhaps burning Hollywood down will finally kill the Mission Impossible franchise which hasn’t had a good one since 2011.

The UK is breaking international law for Brexit

Who needs other nations? North Korea’s cut them out completely, and their leader has a 110 per cent approval rating, even dead. Just think how much happier we’d be without anyone to compare ourselves to. It’s ‘dance like nobody’s watching’ on a geopolitical scale.

The global pandemic is not going away

This COVID business is all a bit awkward, isn’t it? Still, might lower house prices a bit and help younger people – no, wait, the government has fixed it so prices are going up? Marvellous for homeowners.

Elon Musk has implanted a computer chip into a pig’s brain

This raises deep moral and ethical questions, but only for pigs. The rest of us will to find our new bus drivers, office colleagues and junior cabinet ministers much more congenial than the old ones.

Sea levels are rising

Or, look at it this way, the beaches are getting closer just as the weather’s getting warmer. Soon we’ll be a happy tropical island playing steel drums to cruise ship passengers. Wouldn’t that be better?