The thing is I’ve told them I’m prime minister, admits Farage

NIGEL Farage has admitted that he may accidentally have told Donald Trump he is Britain’s prime minister.

The former UKIP leader confessed that he failed to correct an early misunderstanding which has now snowballed into a new transatlantic alliance. 

He said: “I went over, and Mr Trump congratulated me on running the UK after Brexit, and we were about to go on stage so I joked ‘Certainly a big responsibility, ha ha!’ 

“After a few fizzy Yank beers I found myself claiming that UKIP had been made the ruling party following an intervention by my friend, the Queen, and also that my wife was a former Miss Germany and Playboy model.

“You’ve not met him, it’s like he makes you say these things.

“Anyway he really seems to like me and it’s probably just easier for everyone if I just take over.”

Farage added: “The ironic thing is, neither of us actually ever intended to lead a country because it’s a massive pain in the arse.”



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Writing with pen and paper hailed as latest twatty show-off thing to do

SITTING in a cafe with a notepad instead of a computer is the new twatty thing to do, it has been confirmed.

All UK cafes now have at least one person staring listlessly at a Mac in them, prompting people at the cutting edge of cool to abandon their laptops for something simpler yet just as annoying.

Self-proclaimed cool person Nikki Hollis said: “There’s something really soulless about looking at a screen when the beautiful world is happening all around you, which is why I’ve opted for this charming retro style of recording my important thoughts.

“Having not actually written anything down for several years, my handwriting is comparable to that of a troubled six-year-old, but I find that it gives it a sense of childlike wonder.

“I really love going back to basics, and for me writing a blog about internet marketing techniques in longhand has a beautiful authenticity to it.

“It’s a massive waste of time because I still have to type it all up and email it to my boss when I get home, but I know I look winsome and cute chewing on a pen, which is something that you can’t really do with a laptop.

“I know. I’ve tried.”