TIME for a well-earned break from being the salt of the earth? Here’s how to be bigoted and furious somewhere hot full of foreign bastards:
Fly the flag
You can’t take the van with its St George flags, so always wear an an England top, Union Jack sunhat or Brits On Tour T-shirt listing D-Day and Dresden. Pack St George crosses for your hotel room and hire car. When foreigners shake their heads and sigh, it’s because they’re ashamed of being shit in the war.
Expect preferential treatment at customs
You wouldn’t sit in traffic like a mug when you could cruise up the hard shoulder or mount the pavement, would you? Customs is exactly the same so go straight to the front. They’ll defer to your race’s historical achievements like Agincourt.
Avoid the food
Not so much from a hygiene aspect – foreign food has come a long way – but because when you get home you’ll want to make jokes about them eating weird shit like squid. The last thing you want is your kid saying ‘You couldn’t get enough of those grilled sardines, Dad’.
Be permanently angry
You don’t need a van to shout abuse. Does a waiter fail to instantly understand your order? Use your fluent Spanish: ‘QUATTRO FULL-O EENGLEESH, PEDRO!’ Bar toilets not immediately obvious? Shout ‘WHERE. EEZ. THE. F**KING. BOGS?’ If they’re not willing to learn English they should work down mines and shit.
Make your trip educational
Begin mornings by the pool with a bit of history, such as how Sharpe’s Rifles defeated the Spanish Armada. It’s hard to beat the sense of parental pride when months later your youngest says: ‘The Spaniels are a bunch of wankers, aren’t they, dad?’ ‘Cowardly wankers, son,’ you’ll say, misty-eyed.
Show them how to drive
First thing you do in your hire car is stamp your authority on the roads. They drive on the wrong side, but your advanced driving skills like tailgating, overtaking on blind curves and controlling a vehicle while shouting obscenities will transfer over. They might not understand every word of ‘arsehole’, ‘f**k off’ and ‘greasy bum-boy’, but they’ll get the gist.
Get travel insurance
Spending your holiday in a state of rage while eating three fried meals a day is giving the old ticker a proper workout. But it’s worth having your insurance just on the off-chance that your heart explodes.