The world's best cultural sites I'll bomb if you mess with me, by Donald Trump

I LOVE culture. The opera, gallery openings, all these wonderful places you get invited to when you’re rich. However, I’m not afraid to bomb culture to smithereens if I’m disrespected. Starting with these: 

The Great Pyramid of Giza

I don’t understand why anyone would want to live in these old triangular houses because the penthouse suite would be so tiny and pointy. The whole area should be cleared for a big, huge golf course.

Great Wall of China

Love walls, don’t love China. So I would bomb their big wall and then steal the pieces when they weren’t looking and take it back for Mexico. You can see it from space, you know. It’s the only thing that’s visible apart from Trump Tower in New York.

Disneyland Paris

Disneyland represents the best of American culture, but the one in Paris is infected with French people who ruin it by talking foreign. I will make Disneyland great again by destroying the ones that aren’t in America. This logic makes great sense.

Buckingham Palace

I love Queen Liz. Good friend, old friend. Best friend. And I love her shiny wallpaper and short dogs but I will flatten them all if Iran provokes me. That’s a guarantee.

The Vatican

No better way to frighten the leader of a crazy religious cult than taking out one of his rivals. The Pope can’t vote. He doesn’t scare me.

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The bluff Northerner's guide to the Iran crisis

UNSURE what to do as tensions rise over the Iran crisis? Here bluff Yorkshireman Roy Hobbs explains the situation in no-nonsense terms. 

What the bleeding heck is going on? 

It’s a complex geo-political situation, but basically Trump is playing silly b*ggers again. I think it’s losing his hair. My brother-in-law Arnold went funny like that and started buying drinks for young lasses.

Are we going to be attacked by Iran?

Don’t get your knickers in a twist, Iran’s bloody miles off. Just keep an eye on the news on telly and check out the back window. If you see missiles, get the washing in.

How did all this mither start? 

I were saying down the Crown the other day, ‘You can’t understand Middle Eastern politics without a basic grasp of deep-seated Sunni and Shia sectarian tensions.’ It’s like the good-natured rivalry between Yorkshire and Lancashire. Except slightly more violent.

I’m not reet pleased about these terrorist threats. What should I do?

Don’t make unnecessary flights, eg. from Harrogate to Knaresborough. The bus will get you there in 15 minutes anyway. And don’t assume everyone with a different skin colour or accent is a terrorist. I confronted an ISIS in Scarborough but he was just a builder from Chester into tanning.

Could this escalate into nuclear war? 

Unlikely. But a nice bit of glowing plutonium could keep the tea warm all day.