I LOVE culture. The opera, gallery openings, all these wonderful places you get invited to when you’re rich. However, I’m not afraid to bomb culture to smithereens if I’m disrespected. Starting with these:
The Great Pyramid of Giza
I don’t understand why anyone would want to live in these old triangular houses because the penthouse suite would be so tiny and pointy. The whole area should be cleared for a big, huge golf course.
Great Wall of China
Love walls, don’t love China. So I would bomb their big wall and then steal the pieces when they weren’t looking and take it back for Mexico. You can see it from space, you know. It’s the only thing that’s visible apart from Trump Tower in New York.
Disneyland Paris
Disneyland represents the best of American culture, but the one in Paris is infected with French people who ruin it by talking foreign. I will make Disneyland great again by destroying the ones that aren’t in America. This logic makes great sense.
Buckingham Palace
I love Queen Liz. Good friend, old friend. Best friend. And I love her shiny wallpaper and short dogs but I will flatten them all if Iran provokes me. That’s a guarantee.
The Vatican
No better way to frighten the leader of a crazy religious cult than taking out one of his rivals. The Pope can’t vote. He doesn’t scare me.
