Trump loves pizza, says Dr Oetker

DONALD Trump is in fine, thin-crust-loving shape, according to Dr Oetker. 

The frozen pizza physician released his statement on the Republican candidate after criticisms that a previous medical evaluation by Dr Pepper was less than exhaustive.

Dr Oetker said; “I can confidently say that Mr Trump is in even better shape than the perfectly circular slices of sausage on my Ristorante Pepperoni Salame, available near you.

“I ran extensive tests on Donald, such as comparing his resting heart rate with his heart rate when shown a delicious Ristorante Pizza Speciale fresh from the oven, and checked his arteries for oozing mozzarella.”

A controversial figure in the medical world following his claim that all round foods are high in antioxidants and Goodfellas Deep Baked Pan causes Lyme disease, Dr Oetker has prescribed Trump a course of calzone and no exercise.

He added: “Of course Obama favours Hawaiian pizza, with pineapple on it, because he hates America.”

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National service re-introduced for Youtubers

COMPULSORY military service has been brought back for young people who have a large following on YouTube.

Joe Sugg, Jake Boys and something called ’Nick and Sammy’ are among the conscripts who will face five years of gruelling assault courses, night marches and crawling through underwater tunnels while burly men shout at them until they weep.

A government spokesman said: “What do these YouTubers do? Sit on the end of their beds and exclaim ‘Oh my GOD!’ while the corporate sponsorship rolls in. Their mindless enthusiasm needs to be tempered by suffering.

“Zella may be excellent at applying make-up but let’s see how she is at polishing boots while experiencing extreme sleep deprivation.”

46-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “It’s like how my father used to talk about how Boy George should be made to do National Service. Now that I am old and bitter myself, I can see that he was right.

“With these YouTubers, you can’t tell the boys from the girls. Well, you can, easily, but my point still stands.”