Trump revealed nuclear code is UR-FIRED

PRESIDENT Trump has revealed that the launch code to America’s nuclear arsenal is also his television catchphrase.

The President disclosed the details during a closed-door meeting with Russia’s Sergey Lavrov, in which he allowed the minister to have a rummage through the nuclear briefcase.

Trump said: “I said to him, ‘This is the code. ‘UR-FIRED’. It’s based on a show I did, but I don’t think he understood that.

“They don’t show The Apprentice in Russia since ratings dipped. Their loss.

“However I came up with the idea of shortening ‘You’re’ to ‘UR’. I guess it just came to me.

“I told him, this is the code, and I’m the only person who knows it because I’m president. How about that?”

He added: “In the show I say that when I am firing people, but ‘firing’ is also what you do with missiles. Double meaning.

“My friend Vladimir likes jokes like that. When he finds something funny he laughs and it sounds like dead leaves rustling in a sack.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Objectionable prick regularly gets small discounts

AN INSUFFERABLE twat who argues the toss about every minor thing regularly gets 15 per cent off in shops, he has confirmed. 

Martin Bishop is unable to eat a meal or stay in a hotel without haranguing the staff with a list of spurious complaints, and is usually given money off just to make him go away. 

He said: “I don’t understand people who pay full retail price when all it takes is 20-25 minutes of making everyone hate you to save yourself a tenner. 

“I’ve never got anything off the internet without a fortnight of emails claiming it was damaged, I spend two hours threatening to cancel my broadband every month, and yesterday I got a free latte because I was insulted by Starbucks’ misspelling of my name. 

“Granted I’m naturally disagreeable, but when will everyone realise that minutely examining a shirt for loose stitching then causing a huge song-and-dance about it is the way forward? 

“Sometimes it’s lonely being the only one demanding to see the manager. Ah well. All the more discounts for me.” 

Colleague Helen Archer said: “Martin has proved that being an arsehole is its own reward. But there is a price, in that you have to be an arsehole.”