Trump writes furious six-page letter to Santa

PRESIDENT Trump has written an incoherent and angry six-page letter to Father Christmas asking him to end the impeachment process. 

Excerpts of the letter, written with a red Sharpie on the back of a Cheesecake Factory menu, are below:

“Dear Santa Claus, it’s Donald. You remember when I asked you for the tallest tower in New York and made of gold and I got it. Well now I want something else.

“The Democrats, who are bad people, unpatriotic people, are impeaching me. They have cheapened the importance of the word impeachment, and I hate anything cheap.

“These crooks and losers won’t even let me present evidence. I have sworn evidence from a member of White House staff that I am a perfect president and did nothing wrong. I dictated it myself. But they say no.

“It’s worse than when they convicted those witches at the Salem Witch Trials. At least they were witches so they could just magic their way out of there.

“So what I want is for you to stop it. You know I’m on your side, right? I tried to buy Greenland so I could own your toy workshops to keep them safe for you. I wasn’t going to steal the toys.

“I’m a great Christmas guy. I was in Home Alone 2, the best Home Alone movie, and Gremlins 2, and It’s A Wonderful Life 2. All I want for Christmas is impeachment to go away. Okay Santa? Get it done.”

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Ireland to build bridge to France

IRELAND has confirmed it is beginning work on the Waterford-Caen overpass to link two countries that have yet to go mad. 

The bridge wil span 600km and go directly from Ireland to the French port of Caen, supported by enormous concrete pillars offshore of Devon and Dorset while not directly touching the pariah state of the UK at any point.

Taioseach Leo Varadkar said: “Perhaps the magnificent span of this bridge will become a tourist attraction in England. We don’t care. That’s not what it’s about.

“We have goods to sell, France and Germany and the rest have business to conduct, and we’re frankly sick of you lot getting in the way so we’re cutting out the middleman.

“Viewing galleries will be installed for our voyeuristic citizens to look down on the poor benighted tribes of the English, and we’ll even scatter crates of medicine to watch you fight for them.

“Otherwise the Franco-Gaelic Overpass will be off limits to Britons. You’ll hear our trucks blaring Vanessa Paradis and U2 as they pass, and pick up our discarded Tayto packets and Orangina bottles, but that’s all. Good luck with your Brexit thing.”

Taunton resident Roy Hobbs said: “I’m not happy about my house being in shadow 20 hours a day. I’m going to the EU court. Ah yeah. I forgot.”