Friday, 5th June 2020

Trump writes furious six-page letter to Santa

PRESIDENT Trump has written an incoherent and angry six-page letter to Father Christmas asking him to end the impeachment process. 

Excerpts of the letter, written with a red Sharpie on the back of a Cheesecake Factory menu, are below:

“Dear Santa Claus, it’s Donald. You remember when I asked you for the tallest tower in New York and made of gold and I got it. Well now I want something else.

“The Democrats, who are bad people, unpatriotic people, are impeaching me. They have cheapened the importance of the word impeachment, and I hate anything cheap.

“These crooks and losers won’t even let me present evidence. I have sworn evidence from a member of White House staff that I am a perfect president and did nothing wrong. I dictated it myself. But they say no.

“It’s worse than when they convicted those witches at the Salem Witch Trials. At least they were witches so they could just magic their way out of there.

“So what I want is for you to stop it. You know I’m on your side, right? I tried to buy Greenland so I could own your toy workshops to keep them safe for you. I wasn’t going to steal the toys.

“I’m a great Christmas guy. I was in Home Alone 2, the best Home Alone movie, and Gremlins 2, and It’s A Wonderful Life 2. All I want for Christmas is impeachment to go away. Okay Santa? Get it done.”