UK Debt Relief Appeal concert set for 2022

AN ALL-STAR concert to help poverty-stricken Britain has been scheduled for Brazil in 2022. 

Following news that the UK’s debt burden is set to hit £2 trillion just as key industries abandon the country, stars from across Latin America and Africa are preparing to unite to call for help.

Shakira, who is organising the concert after seeing heartbreaking footage of bewildered Britons unable to understand why their Toblerones were so small, said: “It’s about time we gave something back.

“Britain is being loaded with debt the banks know it can never afford to pay – even paying the interest will be beyond reach – and faces a future of either hopeless socialists or right-wing dictators.

“We can help the UK by raising awareness of their plight with a big fancy concert where we’ll all have a great time while asking the banks to forgive them.

“Not giving money, obviously. It’d just be throwing it into a bottomless pit.”

The event will take place three months after China’s Free Corbyn concert, aimed at securing the release of the long-standing political prisoner from exile on the Sandwich islands.

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Which insultingly simplistic family type are you?

THE government had pledged more help for Just About Managing families (JAMs). But do you know the correct patronising, soundbite-friendly name for your family?

Simply answer the questions below, then feel mildly offended by the result.

How much money do you earn?

A. Jesus, don’t rub it in.

B. Much less than our lorry-sized gas barbecue would have you believe.

C. Much, much less than our massive ‘architect designed’ house with shitloads of light switches would have you believe.

What is your favourite TV advert?

A. Raucous bingo website advert where a woman in the bath wins £8.52 and a dancing fox appears.

B. Overly earnest big shop Christmas advert with sad music and a ‘proper story’ that ‘makes you think’.

C. We don’t have a TV actually, because bullshit wank etc etc.

How many family members are you currently feuding with?

A. Give me a second to count.

B. Just nan I think. Oh, and uncle Roger.

C. We all pretend to like each other.

Which celebrity do you most identify with?

A. Those idiots off Loose Women.

B. One of those twats off Masterchef.

C. That arse off Grand Designs (not that you have a telly etc).

What is your family type?

Mostly A’s – Your family are DISMAL (Deep In Shit, Money Always Low)

Mostly B’s – Your family are SCUM (Self-Conscious Upper Middle)

Mostly C’s – Your family is an ARSE (Affluent, Repulsive Smug Elite)