Universal Credit giving millions to extraterrestrials

THE new Universal Credit scheme has erroneously paid out millions of pounds to claimants across our galaxy.

Many recipients are not even humanoid.

A single silicon-based entity in orbit around Procyon received more than £6.8 million in payments for thousands of self-replicating dependants.

Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith has blamed civil servants for the error, saying: “When I was told that we were throwing millions of pounds in government money into a black hole, I wrongly assumed they were speaking metaphorically.

“They obviously failed to understand the heavy irony I was using when naming the system Universal Credit because the original intention was to deny payments to absolutely everybody.

“Rest assured that the layabout Lortonoi, the timewasting Tralfamadorians, and the idle Idirans are going to be cut off immediately.

“What do they even spend the money on? Sky Sports won’t reach Proxima for another 17 years.”

Tom Logan, a lizard-riding simian in the Andromeda system, said: “I was really relying on that money. Now Spacewonga.com are going to repossess my home, which I built myself using the wreckage of crashed spacecraft.”

Emma Smith, a hyperintelligent Mycon fungus colony, said: “Ian Duncan Smith has acted with a complete lack of emotion and condemned millions of my spore children to hunger and death.

“He’s a real chip off the old block. I’m proud of my little boy.”

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Cake overrated

CAKE is not as good as everyone says it is.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that despite the hype, all cakes are pretty much the same.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Britain exists in a perpetual cake frenzy, and is now a baking-based economy.

“However cake is really just a type of sugary bread livened up with extras like icing or raisins. You even need a drink with cake so that it doesn’t stick in your throat.”

He added: “A decent bread and butter pudding hands-down beats the shit out of any cake ever made.”

However cake fan Emma Bradford said: “Cake is pretty much the only thing I emotionally respond to. The main aim of my life is acquiring cake and consuming it.

“I can watch news footage of death and destruction with complete impassivity, yet be moved to tears by a nice creamy cake with all bits of chocolate on it.

“Therefore either cake is amazing or there is something badly awry with my psychological make-up.”