US gun laws working fine apart from the occasional rampage, say senators

THE US Senate has decide that its existing gun laws are functioning well except for the odd murder spree.

Senators blocked a plan for background checks on people purchasing guns, claiming that weapons buyers only went on deadly rampages very infrequently.

Pro-gun senator Tom Logan said: “If you look at all the people who buy weapons in American every year, the percentage that then goes into a school or restaurant and indiscriminately opens fire is really very small.

“Certainly it’s not large enough that we need the extra bureaucracy of checking whether someone’s seriously mentally ill before handing them a rifle and as many bullets as they fancy.

“I mean, if you had a pie chart called ‘What American people who buy guns do with them’ the segment labelled ‘Murders’ would be almost invisible.

“Certainly small enough that if it were a slice of pizza it would not satisfy as a main meal.”

Logan then added some standard general bullshit about freedom, which a lot of people in America seem to lap up.

Plans for a ban on assault weapons had already been removed from the gun-control bill, because simply wanting to own an assault rifle means that you must be a sane and balanced individual.

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Sweatiness out of control

BRITONS are sweating like pigs as the weather refuses to make up its mind.

Commuters unsure whether to dress for a pleasant spring evening or a trip to the ice planet Hoth are making public transport smell like a prison gym.

Sales administrator Nikki Hollis said: “I was putting on gloves this morning because it was snowing. By the time I got to work they’d given me a tan line.

“I’m experiencing more extremes of temperature than a menopausal malaria patient.”

The Met office has issued assurances that the current weather is perfectly normal for a climate that’s completely fucked, and by June it will settle into being tolerably mild for a fortnight before winter starts again.

The forecast for the next seven days has become so convoluted that it was scrapped in favour of a statement simply reading: “All of it. All the weather.”

A side effect of the current conditions is that detailed weather chit-chat is preventing the discussion of important things.

Plumber Julian Cook said: “My doctor never got round to telling me the results of my tests this morning, she was too busy describing how she found a lizard in her garden that looked like something from Spain.”