We ask you: why are foreign cities so hostile to pissed-up Brits urinating on monuments?

MAGALUF, Amsterdam – seemingly everywhere in Europe has unaccountably turned against the traditional drunken British tourist. But why? 

Stephen Malley, spot welder: “Simple jealousy at the superiority of our way of life.”

Joe Turner, pharmaceutical sales: “It’s humiliating for them. They can’t take their beer, apart from the Germans, and we’re over there, 14 pints in, still able to stagger into a nightclub and order a round of Sambucas.”

Joanna Kramer, salmon farmer: “They’re especially down on our joyous, celebratory stag and hen nights. I can only conclude they’re trapped in unhappy marriages to munters.”

Denys Finch Hatton, historian: “Come over here and drunkenly urinate on the contents of our museums if you like. Joke’s on you because we nicked it all from you in the first place.”

Emma Bradford, overlocker: “Could it be to do with the war, and us winning it? I find with Europeans most things are.”

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Looks not everything but they are about 95 per cent, scientists confirm

BEING handsome or beautiful is not the be-all-and-end-all of being attractive but it does account for 95 per cent, scientists have confirmed.

The discovery has validated everyone’s long-held suspicion that having an interesting personality or a stable job is practically meaningless in the face of chiselled abs or huge naturals when it comes to attracting a partner.

Dr Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “See this thin slice on the pie chart of attractiveness? That’s what your witticisms and flashy cars amount to. The rest is made up of the uncontrollable genetic lottery colloquially known as ‘good looks’.

“This isn’t a ballpark figure either. We’ve run the tests again and again and keep getting the same result. Perhaps it’s one of those odd patterns you get in nature like the Fibonacci sequence.

“Volunteer at the soup kitchen all you want, your good deeds will max out at five per cent. You’re not going to be hooking up with anyone unless you hit the gym at least twice a week and get your teeth fixed. There’s no ‘philanthropy’ category on Pornhub for a reason.

“Conversely, you may have noticed that hot people are broadly dull or unpleasant. But do you care? Of course you f**king don’t. You think that if you exist in their presence long enough then you might just get lucky. Not working out for you though, is it?”

Loveless three out of 10 Tom Booker said: “95 per cent? I would have assumed it was much, much more.”