HELLO at home, and welcome to a special international imperialist edition of Trump Always Chickens Out! I’m your host Mark Rutte, secretary general of NATO.
Yes, we’ve got one hell of a show for you! Stakes are raised, tempers are running hot, and we’ve gone global, coming to you all the way from the World Economic Forum in Davos! A big hello to all our new international guests, or should I say… guten tag! German? Oh no, Trump won’t like that!
Anyway, for those of you new to the game, our contestant is one Donald Trump, and he’s always chasing the big prizes. But whether he’s placing tariffs on uninhabited islands or trying to overturn elections, what’s the one rule? I think the audience knows…
[Audience shouts] “TRUMP ALWAYS CHICKENS OUT!”
That’s right, you can bet your life savings on it… and Wall Street already has! Okay, it’s time to welcome our one and only contestant to the stage, ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States, Donald Trump!
No need to boo him yet, save it for later! Okay, and what’s the prize you’re playing for this week? I’ll give you a clue, it’s a big piece of ice… no, not Iceland, Greenland! They’re different countries. Honestly you need to get that.
Okay, let’s begin the game at… one billion dollars! And Denmark’s said no. What’s your next offer? 100 billion dollars? What? They’re still saying no, with some nonsense about sovereignty and a nation’s right to self-determination! What are you going to do?
Is he going to do it? Is he? Is he… oh, here it is! Donald Trump’s pressed the WAR button!
[Studio lights go red, sirens go off, giant letters saying WAR lower from ceiling]
This is it, the ultimate power move! Invasion of an ally’s territory! Let’s just take a moment to consider the consequences: we’re talking international isolation! Sanctions! An economic crash! Massive unpopularity with the American people!
Is he going to do it..? Is he..? Is he… no, he’s backed down! Because what do we always say, folks…?
[Audience shouts] “TRUMP ALWAYS CHICKENS OUT!”
That’s the name of the game! So come back next time, when Trump backs down to Putin yet again!
