We’ve got a Brexit plan for you called ‘F**k Off’, suggests Europe

EU OFFICIALS say if Britain does not have a Brexit plan they can offer one titled ‘F**k Off’. 

The plan, which has been worked on by all 26 EU states, details exactly how, why and when Britain can leave the European Union and even what it can do with itself afterwards.

European Council president Charles Michel said: “When Boris Johnson presented his Brexit plan that ignored all commitments of the previous Brexit plan, we were inspired to create this.

“Fuck Off is a comprehensive plan, with clear instructions in 24 official languages and a few colourful regional dialects, which should leave the UK in no doubt about where it can go next.

“It minimises any economic impact – to the rest of us – while increasing the benefits of free movement within the EU by making sure the Brits do not have any.

“The UK should follow this plan absolutely to the letter, ideally while ensuring the door does not hit their arse on the way out.”

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Everyone worried winter hats make them look like dicks

MILLIONS of Britons are feeling unconfident in their warm winter headgear.

As temperatures drop, streets are full of people checking themselves out in reflective surfaces while nervously fiddling with headwear that they do not feel quite right about.

Beret-wearer Nikki Hollis said: “I thought it was sophisticated, but I’ve just seen myself in the window of the bookies and I look like an A-level philosophy student or minor Mad Men character.”

Tom Booker, the owner of a new beanie, said: “I started with a bobble hat, but my girlfriend said I looked ‘adorable’ and pinched my cheek.

“I bought this one last week, but now I’m thinking it’s too big. Do I look like Brian Harvey from East 17?

“We desperately need more good hat role models.”

The Institute for Studies confirmed that everyone would be too busy worrying about their own hat to judge others, although anything with animal ears would be rightly shunned.