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What Trump did on 9-11, in his own words

DONALD Trump has offered the public various recollections of his actions on September 11th, 2001. Finally he lays out his full timeline for the day:

8.30am

I was in my golden office in Trump Tower, the third tallest building in Manhattan, making deals. The greatest deals, just beautiful deals. What a day that was for deals.

8.44am

The first plane crashed into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. The official reports say it was 8.46am, but I actually saw it before anyone else.

8.46am

By the time those in the tower – and these were the best people, superb businessmen, I knew one and his wife liked to have sex with him – realised the plane had hit I was already on to the CIA. ‘This is Osama Bin Laden,’ I told them. ‘I warned you he was going to do this. And there’s a second plane coming at 9.03am.’

9.03am

Trump proved right again.

9.22am

Using a powerful telescope, actually a gift to me from Galileo, I look over at New Jersey where thousands of Muslims, all the Muslims, are celebrating. ‘Disgusting,’ I murmur.

9.37am

A plane crashes into the Pentagon. I put in a call to the Department of Defense with my bid for the reconstruction contract. They’re so unprofessional they never call back.

9.57am

Arrive at the WTC using the secret entrance from my office to pop up in a phone box just outside, just like I did in Gremlins 2: The New Batch. Terrific movie, biggest box office hit of 1990, but nobody ever gives Trump credit.

9.58am

South Tower collapses. Trump Tower is now the second tallest building in downtown Manhattan.

10.03am

Flight 93 crashes in Pennsylvania. [shrugs]

10.10am

Realise the North Tower is going to collapse well before the firefighters, they’re good people but have no background in construction, and rush in to save as many people as I can. Two firemen stop me and carry me out. They have blood on their hands.

10.21am

Do some clean-up, while I’m here. Shift approximately 18 tonnes of rubble with my bare hands, then leave my people to do the rest while reminding them to credit me in the media.

10.28am

Trump Tower becomes the tallest building in downtown Manhattan.

12.30pm

Meet Wilbur Ross and Michael Bloomberg for lunch at Le Bernardin to discuss events and decide how much compensation we’ll put in for. A hundred grand seems fair.

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The woman's guide to snaring newly-single silver fox Jim Davidson

JIM Davidson has split amicably with his fiancee, which is sad but a fantastic romantic opportunity for single ladies. Here’s how you should go about wooing this eligible bachelor.

Be quite racist 

Jim is frequently accused of racism, for some reason. Let’s just say that if you find the idea of a weed-smoking black man being called ‘Chalkie’ side-splittingly hilarious, then it could be that Jim is ‘the one’. Fingers crossed!

Make sure you love panto 

Panto is a big part of Jim’s life, so it’s essential you’re compatible on this level. He’s done mainstream panto but is better known for his own braindead ‘adult’ ones, which began with Sinderella and later included Boobs in the Wood and Big Dick Whittington. So it will help on a date if you love theatre because he’s not just a comedian, he’s a playwright too.

Be much younger than him

Jim’s wives got progressively younger over the decades, and his ex-fiancee is 23 years his junior. Don’t let this put you off though – he’s 72, so you can be in your late 40s and still meet his age requirements. Great news!

Familiarise yourself with his work 

This is a no small task, as his back catalogue includes endless stand-up DVDs with titles like Red, White and Very Blue, seven series of The Generation Game, the aforementioned pantos, five books and two shit sitcoms. However it will make a fantastic impression on Jim if you’ve seen or read all of these. And managed not to kill yourself.

Laugh at his jokes 

Men love it when you laugh at their jokes on a date, so you might sometimes feign amusement to be nice. That won’t be a problem with Jim, whose jokes are all belters like ‘What do you give a constipated canary? Chirrup of figs’. The challenge won’t be pretending to laugh, it’ll be to stop yourself literally laughing to death!

Support Reform

Jim’s a super-keen Brexiter and Reform supporter, so it will help if you are too. If things go well he’s bound to invite you to the Reform conference to hang out with his mates Nigel Farage and Lee Anderson. The benefits of going out with Jim just keep on coming!

Practise catching keys 

An odd thing to suggest before pursuing a relationship, but in 1987 Jim had the misfortune to throw a bunch of keys at his wife and accidentally give her a black eye. Obviously that was a long time ago, but practise safely catching a bunch of keys anyway, ideally massive iron ones, because the ones Jim threw must have been quite heavy.

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