A JUBILANT Mitt Romney last night promised 'wives for all' after storming to victory in the Michigan primary contest.
The Republican candidate said the win vindicated his strategy of being able to have sex with a different wife every night of the week.
He told his supporters: "This country has given me so much: Reliable hair mousse, an industrial-strength jaw and world class teeth.
"But most of all it has given me the right to collect women like so many kitchen utensils and then set them to work on my groin."
He added: "I thank God my ancestors were a bunch of perverts and conmen looking for a way to avoid prosecution in 12 different states.
"I thank God they hit upon the idea of inventing a religion that allowed them to do whatever they wanted. And I thank God that the first thing they agreed was lots of women for everybody."
Romney is to outline a $15 billion programme that will put at least two more wives in every American home. Any gay men who refuse to have sex with their new wives will be set to work in the Utah salt mines.
Republican challenger John McCain said his Vietnamese captors would often torment him with the promise of extra wives, while former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani recalled the conversation he had with his latest wife on the morning of 9/11.