Wives All Round, Says Victorious Romney

A JUBILANT Mitt Romney last night promised 'wives for all' after storming to victory in the Michigan primary contest.

The Republican candidate said the win vindicated his strategy of being able to have sex with a different wife every night of the week.

He told his supporters: "This country has given me so much: Reliable hair mousse, an industrial-strength jaw and world class teeth.

"But most of all it has given me the right to collect women like so many kitchen utensils and then set them to work on my groin."

He added: "I thank God my ancestors were a bunch of perverts and conmen looking for a way to avoid prosecution in 12 different states.

"I thank God they hit upon the idea of inventing a religion that allowed them to do whatever they wanted. And I thank God that the first thing they agreed was lots of women for everybody."

Romney is to outline a $15 billion programme that will put at least two more wives in every American home. Any gay men who refuse to have sex with their new wives will be set to work in the Utah salt mines.

Republican challenger John McCain said his Vietnamese captors would often torment him with the promise of extra wives, while former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani recalled the conversation he had with his latest wife on the morning of 9/11.

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Scientists Unveil World's Fastest Carrot

SCIENTISTS in the US last night claimed they had created a ‘supercarrot’ with a top speed of nearly 770 mph.

The genetically modified carrot tastes like a summer's day and provides the average person with the strength of ten men and almost a quarter of their daily requirements of riboflavin.

It is self-grating and dicing and can operate as an emergency doctor in earthquake zones or be used as a rapid offshore pursuit boat to rescue dogs swept out to sea by strong tides.

It also contains the destructive power of two atom bombs.

Dr Wayne Hayes, inventor of the new vegetable, said he had built it using old power station parts, a woman, three parsnips, the juice of a whole pig and a carrot.

He said: “It is voluptuous, caring, and sensual but knows its own mind and can produce the most wonderful ham.

“It can correct erectile dysfunction, intervene in the Middle East to promote a two-state solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and deflect earth destroying meteorites from their course.

“Or you can just use it to poke Jamie Oliver very hard in the face.”

Bill Mckay, 86, said his life had been transformed after he was given one of the supercarrots as a home help for a month.

He said: “I had a tomato before but it was totally useless. This little beauty cooked all my meals, ran my bath and gave me a relaxing Swedish-style massage every night before bed. But there was no funny business. I’ve got parsnips for that.”